New Mandate! ‘Grab & Jab’


A brand-new government Mandate will be unveiled tomorrow at ex-President *Batteries Not Included’s birthday party. In fact, the mandate already has an affectionate nickname: “Grab & Jab.”

“This is what we call cutting to the chase!” said former Congressman Nick Beel. “Why send goons door to door, when you can just wait for the Anti-Vaxxer Racist Biggits Science Haters to come out the door? Two Vaccine Expediters [Editor’s Note: goons] grab ’em, jab ’em, and they’ll never know what hit ’em!”

Mr. Beel is also chair-noun of the Freedom-Schmeedom Foundation, whose motto is, “We promise you can have your freedoms back the moment the environment is germ-free!”

“We’re sick of the damned plebs carrying on like they matter or something,” said Beel. “They don’t know what’s good for ’em! It’s time they learned to just shut up and let the government make all the decisions.”

According to wildly unsubstantiated sources, “Grab & Jab” will be announced at the birthday party by “a certain Someone who’s very, very big in You-Know-Where.”

7 comments on “New Mandate! ‘Grab & Jab’

  1. It’s the “never let a good crisis go to waste” club. We got it, and don’t think we do not know what is going on. We have known for decades.

  2. The Grove group is on the move. Have fun now, boys, your day of accounting is scheduled.

  3. I understand that Rep. Beel is about to wed Astaroth ZeBub and they will hyphenate both their last names.

  4. And I was wondering why the festivities at the birthday party required 200 servants. Now we know that they’re actually grab-n-jab trainees being prepared for their mission.

  5. I love it when Mark Styne is featured on Tucker Carlson show because he is so good at ridicule. That is are most potent weapon against the Left – the EU is trying to ban conservative memes.

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