A brand-new government Mandate will be unveiled tomorrow at ex-President *Batteries Not Included’s birthday party. In fact, the mandate already has an affectionate nickname: “Grab & Jab.”
“This is what we call cutting to the chase!” said former Congressman Nick Beel. “Why send goons door to door, when you can just wait for the Anti-Vaxxer Racist Biggits Science Haters to come out the door? Two Vaccine Expediters [Editor’s Note: goons] grab ’em, jab ’em, and they’ll never know what hit ’em!”
Mr. Beel is also chair-noun of the Freedom-Schmeedom Foundation, whose motto is, “We promise you can have your freedoms back the moment the environment is germ-free!”
“We’re sick of the damned plebs carrying on like they matter or something,” said Beel. “They don’t know what’s good for ’em! It’s time they learned to just shut up and let the government make all the decisions.”
According to wildly unsubstantiated sources, “Grab & Jab” will be announced at the birthday party by “a certain Someone who’s very, very big in You-Know-Where.”