G’day and Merry Christmas, from all of us on Rottnest Island, to all of you out there!
If you’re like a lot of humans, by 2 or 3 o’clock this afternoon, you’re going to be wiped out, beat, exhausted, etc. That’s where we come in! Just park yourself in front of your TV screen with a nice lapful of crunchy leaves, and we’ll do the rest.
2:06 P.M. Ch. 04 TO BE ANNOUNCED–(Unknown)
Here’s the show that’s different every day! Even the folks who write the TV listings don’t know what it’s gonna be. Last week it was Comrade Nikita’s Puppet Show from the People’s Glorious Theater in Vladivostok. This week–who knows? Host: To be announced.
2:15 P.M. Ch. 06 EMERGENCY CRISIS ALERT!–Overheated News
Join anchorman Gary “That Disgusting Caterpillar” Svipdag, who really does look like a gigantic caterpillar sitting at the news anchor’s desk. In fact, it’s terribly distracting! I mean, you keep asking yourself, “What if he ever gets loose, and turns up in my garden?” This could give you nightmares! We are sorry we listed it.
2:30 P.M. Ch. 116 FRANKIE SCHEVERNADZE ON CHESS–Educational
Learn how to play chess just like Frankie Schevernadze, who was once forced to quit the Soviet Union chess team because he never won a game, let alone a match. His English is almost as bad as his chess! Guest players chosen at random from among the studio audience usually wipe up the floor with Frankie–in fact, that was the original name of the show, Wipe Up the Floor with Frankie. They lost the sponsorship of Ace Janitorial Supplies when the sponsor found out the show was about chess, not mopping floors.
Ch. 117 MOVIE–Science Fiction/Art
In Wrestling Women and the Aztec Mummy vs. the Thing from Somewhere (1954), Duke Snider shows why he decided to stick with baseball. Famously, Duke plays the Aztec Mummy (Leo Durocher never let him forget it). Musical numbers and dance tunes by a rather large hamster and his orchestra.
3 P.M. Ch. 24 NUCLEAR PHYSICS FOR HOME AND OFFICE–Science
Let the June Taylor Dancers show you how to make your own nuclear reactor in your cellar! With a little Uranium, which you can enrich yourself, you’re in business. This week’s celebrity guest, Liberace, shows the Dancers how to turn the reactor into a bomb. Sponsored by Duck ‘n’ Cover Umbrellas Inc.
Well, that’s only a sample of the truly mindless TV we’ve got lined up for you today! I love those Aztec Mummy movies! Didja ever see the one that was pattered on Hamlet? Sort of Ed Wood meets Shakespeare.
This is Byron the Quokka signing off, wishing you a Merry Christmas Day!