Tag: crazy TV shows

Byron’s TV Listings (May 29) REPRINT

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David C. Tucker, Author: When TV Was Simpler

From May 29, 2021

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with a sample of this weekend’s spectacular TV broadcasts brought to you by the crew at Quokka University–just in time for Lee’s porch party! Without further ado:

2:30 P.M.  Ch 09  GENGHIS MY FOOT!–Drama

Brought back to life by a mad scientist (former California Gov. Jerry Brown), Genghis Khan (Mickey Rooney) is elected mayor of Hangem High, CT, and immediately sets out to conquer all of North America–after he recruits a Mongol horde. Mrs. McFlop: Eve Arden. Ghost: Fernando Lamas

Ch 12  GROW IT & SHOW IT–Gardening

Guest Luther Furbag has bred brown flowers “that look like they’re already dead.” Host: Nature Boy Buddy Rodgers. With Carl Sagan and his orchestra.

2:47 P.M. Ch 21  PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE–Politics

Top candidates for the presidency of the Bilgewater Fishing Club, Francis X. Fimbo and Don Diego Shaughnessy, square off on foreign policy, Climate Change, economic recovery, and blind dates. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

3:00 P.M.  Ch 03   THE ARACHNIDS–Sitcom/Suspense

Can a family of gigantic spiders live the good life in a human suburb? Only if they can learn to fit in! Episode 1: The Arachnids get off on the wrong foot with their neighbors when Muffy (Chelsea Clinton) eats Mr. Prigg’s dog. Directed by Jack Webb (who else?). Mr. Prigg: Edward Platt. Daddy Spider: James Arness. Grandma Spider: A real spider blown up to colossal size.

Ch. 15 PC POLICE SQUAD–Grime Drama

Hair-raising tales of misgendering, microaggression, and cultural appropriation, with only Lt. Kaydence Jugular (Jane Fonda) and her Bias Response Team standing between the human race and offensive language. Filmed inside a cement mixer! Sock puppets by Ralph Lauren and Carl LaFong.

There you have it! What’s a porch party without great stuff on TV?

Byron’s TV Listings, Oct. 5

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TV Guide July 3, 1978 E. Virginia daytime - Retro TV ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with more goodies from Quokka University TV. Grab yourselves some marshmallows and a nice place to sit!

6:49 P.M.   Ch. 11  THOSE SLOBBS!–Sitcom

“The most disgusting family on the block” is back! Papa Slobb (the late Julius Seezer) and Junior (the not-so-late Hans Gesundheit) are arrested for the mess they made in the hardware store. Can Mama Slobb (Elva Pachyderm) bail them out? Guest star: Beto O’Rourke.

7 P.M.   Ch. 06  WOILD NEWS WITH PATRICK HANDCHEESE–News (what else would you expect?)

The news that no one else would even think of covering! Patrick Handcheese learned a thing or two from spending 45 years in a North Korean prison camp. The shadows he can make on the wall, just using his hands, beggar description! Tonight: Special Report: “Watch the Grass Grow!”

Ch. 15   YOU CAN COOK BETTER THAN THIS GUY!–Cooking show

Shemp Shump is living proof that there’s always someone worse off than you–especially in the kitchen. How many viewers have said “Now I don’t feel so dumb!” Tonight: Shemp tackles a “Lamb Surprise” recipe handed down by some guy he met in an alley. Wait’ll you see why they call it “Surprise”! [Not recommended for a squeamish audience.]

7:03 P.M.  Ch. 62   MOVIE–Unbearable suspense (We mean it!)

Rudolph Papertowel stars as legendary private eye Bing Kaching in All I Need Is an Alibi (Swiss/Indonesian, 1998: 345 minutes). Last time we showed this, five viewers went completely crackers and had to have months of counseling! Rare cameo appearance by Sondra McClopp–you won’t believe how scary this is.

Well, folks, whattaya think of that? Have we got movies or have we got movies!

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I’m baby-sitting for my niece, Sylvia–see if you can guess which Sylvia she’s named after.

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 17

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TV Guide July 5, 1986 San Francisco... - Retro TV Listings ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with a weekend of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University. We could only dig up four headliners this week, but take it from me, they’re all gems! Here they are:

4:44 P.M., Ch. 16   PUSHERS!–Totally puerile comedy

It’s not what you think! No–the PUSH Squad pushes fishermen off their municipal fishing piers–into the drink they go! Don’t worry–nobody has actually drowned, and there’ve been no injuries that the local hospital can’t handle. This week: Can the Squad make tracks before the police get there?

5:00 P.M., Ch. 22  CHILLY ACRES–Fabulous sitcom

Welcome to Chilly Acres, Greenland’s one and only nudist colony! This week: Inuit tribesmen protest the expansion of the colony, but no one cares because they’re all too busy trying to get warm. It is not known why any of them ever joined up in the first place.

Ch. 30, SUBURBAN SAFARI–Guaranteed to make you sleep

Join Great White Hunter Jim Phosphate as he leads paying guests on another fruitless “suburban safari,” this time in Edison Township, NJ. Lion, elephant, gazelle–you name it, they’ll never see it. Special guest: Shirley Moulder, looking to bag her first starling.

5:06 P.M., Ch. 41   THE BAT FAMILY–Existentialist sitcom

John and Jenny Pantagruel (Forrest Tucker, Sandy Duncan) like to sleep hanging from the ceiling by their feet–which causes problems in school for the twins, Jasper and Casper. They also make odd noises in the supermarket. This week: the twins start digging their escape tunnel. Can the collected essays of Jean-Paul Sartre stop them?

How about it–are you pumped for these shows? Because there’s more where they came from.

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I think this chewy leaf will go very well with this week’s episode of  Suburban Safari!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 10

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The Essential TV Guide Fall Previews of the 80s, Part 2 ...

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s TV listings from Quokka University, Down Under. These amazing TV shows have been rescued from Obscurity! (You should see the ones we didn’t rescue.) Here’s a brief sample.

7:00 P.M.   Ch. 14   JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS; THE JURY–Live courtroom drama

Forget the jury box! These high-kickin’ ladies need more space than that! This is TV’s one and only musical courtroom show. Bailiff: Kukla (from Kukla, Fran, and Ollie). Judge: a man with exceptionally large buttocks.

Ch. 23   I MARRIED A TOAD–Sitcom

Dando Smurphy stars as Jim-Bob Kanoo, the man who married a toad (voice of Linda Cthulhu). This week: “We’re gonna have a baby!” Dr. Gesundheit (Gary Merrill) doesn’t think so; but the guy at the Reptile House (the Porcque Brothers) makes ready for the big event. Song: “I Married a Toad,” by Huntz Hall.

7:04   Ch. 09   I’VE GOT A SHAMEFUL SECRET–Game show

Which celebrity guest has the most shameful secret–the one that will destroy his or her career? Produced by the Third Eye Detective Agency. This week’s celebrity panel: Chuck Connors, Sally Field, Chiang Kai-shek, Debbie Reynolds. One of them is guilty!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 45  THEY STOLE THE FREAKIN’ SPHINX–True crime

You’d think it’d be impossible to steal the Great Sphinx, but this gang of Jamaican art thieves gave it a go. If you overlook the fact that they were all arrested within minutes of putting their plan into operation… you can overlook anything. Narrator: Sayeed Jaffrey. Sphinx replica by Mrs. Dooly’s 2nd-grade class.

Well, folks, there you have it. These are the kind of TV shows that make you feel like you’re living longer than you really are.

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 3

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Garage Sale Finds: What was on TV - October 28th through November 3rd, 1978

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with this week’s fabulous TV, brought to you by Quokka University. Are you ready to be entertained? Enlightened? Enriched? Well, here we go!

6:05 a.m.   Ch. 27  JIMBY & ZOOZIE–Sitcom (if you want to call it that)

What would life be like if your imaginary friend thought you were his imaginary friend? Confusing, isn’t it? Jimby: Buddy Ebsen. Zoozie: Linda Hunt. Third Party who thinks they’re all imaginary: Steve Reeves. This week: Zoozie finds Jimby’s lost shoelaces… Are they real?

6:30 p.m.   Ch. 14  I.Q., MY Q.!–Incomprehensible game show

Join host Mogo the Monkey as he shows off his new prehensile tail! It’s even more fun when he tries to get any one of the contestants to define “prehensile,” let alone spell it. This week’s guest panel: Debating team from Porkbarrel High School, Seatopia, NJ.

Ch. 19   WIDE WORLD OF STUPID–Olympics that’s always on

Teams from Paraguay and Moldova are still locked in a draw, arguing whether a person who identifies as a French poodle really is a French poodle and therefor eligible to compete in dog shows. Also, heavyweight boxing medalist Yugi Banugi goes up against a six-year-old girl. Commentary: This guy who refuses to give his name.

7 p.m.   Ch. 04   MOVIE–(A few locusts short of a swarm)

Dustin Hoffman stars as Hulk Hogan in Dog My Cats, I’ll Wrestle If I Want To! (Canadian-Klingon, 1976: 881 minutes), an independent film about the tao of professional wrestling. Gorilla Monsoon: Alan Ladd. The Fabulous Moolah: Joey Heatherton. Andre the Giant: Mickey Rooney. Plus lots of people you never heard of.

Well, my friends, how about that for a weekend’s wallow in high culture?

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Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Byron’s TV Listings, July 20

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Pin page

Holy moly, we’re two-thirds through July! Byron the Quokka here, with weekend TV brought to you by Quokka University. That other guy has physical therapy this moaning.

Here’s a sample of this weekend’s offerings.

4 P.M.   Ch. 16   GOLF WITH ARNOLD POLYMER–Sports, educational TV

AI Robot Arnold Polymer teaches the finer points of golf! This week: what if your balls are too big to go into the hole? Plastic Arnie has the solution! Sponsored by Acme Divots.

Ch. 46  FORCED MARRIAGES!–Indescribable; shameful

Join host Ernie Smee as men and women snatched off the street are forced to marry against their will. Honest, we don’t know how the network gets away with this! The lawsuits slide off ’em like water off a duck’s back. Commentary by Jim the Duck.

4:15 P.M.   Ch. 06   MOVIE–Delusional detective drama

Sir Banarjee Shree Ramdash stars as Pete Jones the Paranoid Detective (Swiss/Nepalese, 1996: 540 minutes). Every crime he investigates turns out to be a plot against him! This week: The Women’s Library Advisory Board is out to get Pete! Sinister woman: This chick who used to be in The Rockford Files, only she’s real old now. Chief Popoff: Zippy McWhortle (a Darren McGavin double).

5 P.M.   Ch. 33  NEWS WITH KATHY GESUNDHEIT–News, of course

Famous for anchorwoman Kathy’s gusts of uncontrollable cackling as she tries to read the news. Makes the broadcast take twice as long as it should! And then there’s sports anchor Fogey Robinson with his bouts of uncontrolled weeping. If any news actually makes it through the show, everyone will be surprised.

Well, that’s it, boys ‘n’ gulls!

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Gotta run to the store and get some snacks! Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, July 13

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TV Guide Dec 4-10 1976 (3) - Flashbak

Kowabunga, boys ‘n’ girls! Ready for Quokka University Weekend TV? Well, ready or not, here it is! And I’m your host, Byron the Quokka.

7:14 P.M.   Ch. 56   THE WORLD OF WAYNE NEWTON–Horror

Remember Wayne Newton? Well, this is that show about him being a werewolf. And they never caught him, either. Enjoy expert commentary by Joe Pyne, Ariel Durant, and some guy who thinks he’s Ramses II. Brought to you by “The Shoes With Sole”!

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 31  WHO’S THE BIG BOY?–Game show

Join host Roscoe Conklin9 and his celebrity panel (Goldie Hawn, Franz Kafka, and Miss Marple) as they try to find out which political contestant is “The Big Boy.” Intelligible speech and clean undies are a plus! Winner gets to say he’s Joe Biden and everyone has to agree with him.

Ch. 62   MOVIE–Sort of a detective movie, but without a crime

Lu Pu-shou stars as Ian MacTavish in I Lives Face-Down, Me Lads. Can MacTavish continue to solve crimes after people stop committing them? And don’t miss the famous scene with the uncooperative newts. Judge Wing Wong: Shamus O’Flynn. Miss Daisy: a 1938 Packard. Blackbeard the Priate: the guy from Daktari.

8 P.M.   Ch. 14   BASEBALL: NEW YORK SAVAGES VS. PISCATAWAY, N.J., SHRINKING VIOLETS–Live sports

Somehow the Savages never beat the Shrinking Violets, even though it takes at least 15 minutes of encouragement and comfort to get a Violets’ batter out of the dugout and into the batter’s box. “Heads will roll” if they don’t win this time, snarls Savages Manager Zorba the Geek. None of the Shrinking Violets gave an interview.

Well, that’s that, everybody! As you can see, I’m rushing home to catch that Wayne Newton show. We quokkas laugh ourselves silly when we see it.

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See yiz next week! Byron the Quokka, signing off

 

Byron’s TV Listings, April 13

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Let's Read TV Guide, March 1976! – The Avocado

G’day, fellow TV connoisseurs! (Did I spell that right? Holy cow!) Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of soul-enhancing television brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a little sample of our menu!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   SHERLOCK HOLMES, PAPERBOY–Mystery

What if the world’s greatest detective had been a paperboy instead? Francis Bacon: “It boggles the mind!” This week: Holmes (Rory Calhoun) forgets where he’s supposed to pick up his stack of today’s newspapers. Mr. Cone: Baba the Giant. The Fish Sisters: June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 14   BEAT THE CROCK–Game show

Can someone from the studio audience assemble a model airplane faster than the drunken celebrity guest? Hostess: Sen. Elizabeth Warren. This week’s plastered celebrities: What, do you think we’re crazy? Like we want to get sued? You’ll know ’em when you see ’em.

6:45 P.M.   Ch. 03   MOVIE–MR. WHOOPSY’S INNER CONFLICT–Penetrating psychic analysis

Can Mr. Whoopsy (Ray Milland) fight off insanity by finding pants that fit better? This Swiss-Malaysian collaboration, released (from where?) in 1972, also stars Tom Poston, Peggy Cass, and a whole raft of game show panelists from the 1970s.

7:02 P.M.  Ch. 41  YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL!–Alternate reality

Have you ever wondered what great speeches would sound like if the speaker had his mouth full of food? (If you haven’t, you might want to watch something else.) Marc Antony’s speech at Julius Caesar’s funeral, by William Shakespeare, comes out as “Mffr! Glbbhm! Cucclrgn!” Also featured: William Jennings Bryan’s “Cross of Gold” speech, rendered completely unintelligible by a robust sub sandwich.

And if none of these appeals to you, may I humbly recommend Sagebrush Sam, Quokka Cowboy? It’s all out back in the Outback!

Cowboy Quokka Art Print Quirky Western Home Decor Australian Wildlife Portrait Happy Animal Art - Etsy

Ernie the Quokka, pictured above, once signed by jack-o’-lantern!

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, April 6

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Vintage Seattle TV Listings - Thursday, December 1, 1977 ...

G’day, buoys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with TV that’ll make you swear you just added 50 points to your IQ! Don’t ask me what that means–just enjoy the samples below.

2:36 P.M.  Ch. 62  JUNE TAYLOR DANCERS VS. SALAMANDER PEOPLE–(Philosophy comes to life, and then they kill it)

The peaceful little village of Newark, New Jersey, is attacked by the Salamander People. Army and police are powerless! So it’s up to the June Taylor Dancers to save the town. King of the Salamander People: Andy Devine. Governor: A harmless little dog.

2:45 P.M.   Ch. 14  WORST TUNISIAN POETRY–Almost unbearable!

Join host T’an Pu-t’ing for a grueling examination of contemporary Tunisian poems about milkmen and large spiders. T’an doesn’t speak a word of the language, but no one can shut him up! Guests: Elizabeth Warren (she’s a Berber now), Misterrogers, and some AI-generated doofus.

3 P.M.   Ch. 11  SPORTS OF SORTS–Safe sports

If you love the excitement of sports but can’t stand it when someone gets hurt, it makes you feel faint, then this show is for you! These sports pose no risk whatsoever! This week: Lion-hunting in Quebec. Reporter: Anderson Scooper. Teaser: Weight-lifting without weights

3:10 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Mystery

In Who Put the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder?, international chess legend Hyman Kaplan  stars as criminal mastermind Professor Von Poop. The film is only 16 seconds long (Serbo-Armenian, 1986 B.C.), so don’t be late! Mrs. Murphy: Jane Air. Long-Winded Orator Whom No One Listens To: Some guy who’s on the Internet.

Well, the computer has started freezing on me, so I can’t post any more programs. Would you believe I’ve watched that Mrs. Murphy movie twelve times?

Quokka

That’s my bike in the background! It’s been parked there, unclaimed, for at least 20 minutes… Byron the Quokka, signing off

Byron’s TV Listings, March 2

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TV Guide Magazine: The Cover Archive 1953 - today! | 1971

G’day, me hearties! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of jaw-droppingly fabulous TV, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a sample!

6 P.M.  Ch. 56  KNOTTY OUTBOARD ENGINE PROBLEMS–(They’re kidding, right?)

Join host Stumpy Cavendish as he tackles one balky outboard engine after another (“I’ve still got all the fingers on my left hand!”) and tries to make them work. This week: sparks, flames, fumes, and acute risk of explosion (“Piece of cake!” says Stumpy). Background show in the boat house by the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 74  FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE: EVERYBODY DIE!–Sponsored by rich psychopaths, and the United Nations

Government-assisted suicide, argues the celebrity panel (Joey Heatherton, Sawney Bean, Mr. Bean, and Sam the Bag of Fertilizer), “only takes us so far, and that’s not far enough.” Tonight the panel unveils the long-awaited Next Step: government-assisted murder. Featured: Paul McCartney sings “Live and Let Die.”

6:40 P.M.  Ch. 12  JIMBO CAN’T COOK WORTH ****–Culinary crimes

Fired Chef Jimbo Gesundheit trots out the dish that got him banned from every restaurant in the Western Hemisphere–“Sauteed Wood.” Assisted by Barney the Lunatic, who thinks he’s a gibbon with ear mites, the producers re-issue The Jimbo Challenge: “Can You Actually Eat This and Not Die?”

7 P.M.  Ch. 08   MAC’S WILD WITCHES–Sitcom with Shakespearean overtones

What did those three witches do when Macbeth was over? They packed up the truck and moved to Beverly (Hills, that is) and opened a dauntingly expensive private school for rich girls who act like monkeys. This week: Sister Stewpot (Hillary C)  tries to start a Crones’ Union–but some scamp has stolen her magic wand! Sister Piewacket: Minnie Driver. Sister Grabbit: Unidentified woman who escaped from somewhere.

Well, that ought to do it! These shows, we think, will raise your IQ 50 points.

Quokka Door On Rottnest Island Stock Photo 2313545733 ...

Mr. Keeble has color TV which he lets us watch–provided we wipe our feet before he opens the door. Byron the Quokka, signing off.