Tag: crazy TV shows

Crikey, Halloween is comin’ atcha fast! Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s wealth of television entertainment which may or may not get you pumped for Halloween. Here’s a sample:

6:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  HAMSTER NEWS–Just what it sounds like

This is the replacement for “Guinea Pig News.” It features hamsters running around squeaking. And it’s creeping up on the mainstream news shows in the ratings. Archie the Anchor doesn’t speak a word of any human language… but who cares?

7 P.M.  Ch.14  A CLASSFUL OF IDIOTS–Grim and terrible sitcom

High school English teacher Floyd Grendel (William Conrad) has more than he can handle with this roomful of happy-go-lucky violent psychopaths. Tonight: Too late to stop the human sacrifice in study hall, Floyd agrees to a blind date… but is she human? Annie: Debi Gesundheit.

Ch. 61  YOU BET YOUR VITAL ORGANS–Game show

Join host Jimmy “Bug Boy” Fraud for a game that’s literally life and death! Contestants who desperately need organ transplants take on a panel of Shaolin monks in a studio stickball game (really, we don’t know what we’re saying half the time).

7:39 P.M.  Movie–Lots of jidrools in dinosaur suits

Jackie Chan stars as a washed-up Shakespearean actor who sics Barney the Dinosaur on his critics (“If you think I was bad in King Lear, wait’ll you see this!”) The is the only film put out by Beezer Productions, filmed on location in Bumpus City, Croatia. 887 minutes. The Oaktag Kid: Liu Chia Hui  My Little Margie: Sarah Heartburn. 18th Parachute Regiment: The June Taylor Dancers.

That should be enough to get you started! Trivial Fun Fact: Some of the June Taylor Dancers actually cried when they were pushed out of the plane. Makes you think, eh?

Waiting for the show to start, I’ll check out this bicycle. Maybe we can make it a comment contest prize. Byron the Quokka, signing off.

It’s only Sept. 30 and you poor folks up in New Jersey are freezing your fritters off. G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of nefandous TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here’s a sample:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 14  TEACH YOUR DOG TO READ!–(It’s a scam)

Remember how upset people got when it was revealed that the dog wasn’t really reading? Hoo-boy! And the talking dog was just a front for a parakeet who could recite the Gettysburg Address. Host Richard Spumoni narrowly escaped a mob of angry pitchfork-wavers. Seems that “You Can Teach Your Dog to Read” instruction book was literally a steal–at $395.99.

Ch. 23  NEW YORK FLABBIES HAIRBALL–Live sports

The Flabbies take on the Minneapolis Tons O’ Fun at Warren G. Harding Field–and this time the Hairball is guaranteed not to fall apart and blow away. It always confuses the athletes when that happens. Play-by-play: Elizabeth Warren. Color commentary: Some guy with an octopus mask.

7:46 P.M.   Ch. 30  ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ NEWS–News & commentary

Some of us really like news anchors who keep saying “We told you this would happen!” No matter what it is, they saw it coming and now they can say “You should have listened to us! When are you blockheads going to listen to us!” Dan Rather came out of retirement to do this show! Sports: Jimmy Homunculus.

8 P.M.  Ch. 46  MOVIE–Tragicomedy with puppets

“The Golden City Full of Gold” (Serbo-Peruvian, 2001: 18 minutes) stars Freida Myce and Mr. Clean as explorers searching for a lost city inhabited by credulous maniacs. Contact with this civilization was lost when S&H Green Stamps went out of business! Professor Fondue: Henry Fonda. Kung-Fu Sally: Mary Tyler Moore. Whole army of maniacs: the June Taylor Dancers.

I don’t know how many times I’ve watched that “Golden City” movie. I still have a couple of books full of Green Stamps.

(I hope they’re home: my TV won’t work today.)

G’day, TV connoisseurs! (Holy cow, I spelled it right!) Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of glorious TV brought to you by Quokka University, home of the QU Humans nationally-ranked Pick-up Sticks team! And here’s a sample of what we’ve got in store for you this weekend.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 04   FLAB-FACE!–Crime drama

You won’t believe how this private eye solves crimes! Neither will the police. Behind that shapeless blob of flab lies an even more shapeless blob of flab! Tonight: Flabby breaks up an illegal rhyming ring. Lt. Bigelow: Rod Steiger. Secret agents disguised as mendicant nuns: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 09   EATING THE THINGS THAT EAT YOU–Indescribable

The Parasite Gourmet, John Stink, shows you how to turn the tables on fleas, mosquitoes–all right, better stop there. They didn’t call it “the most disgusting show on television” for nothing. Host and Chief Cookie-Tosser: Ed McMahon.

7:45 P.M.   Ch. 22   THE SPOOLGE REPORT–News & Commentary

“The news that no one else will touch with a ten-foot pole!” boasts anchorman Hyman Spoolge (who is only half-human). Tonight: Roving Reporter Janice Panic continues her series on “Old Ladies Who Drop Stitches.” Consumer Reporter Todd Shing: “What To Buy When You Has No Money.”

8 P.M.   Ch. 71  THE BLITHERERS–Sitcom spoken in tongues

What? You don’t understand what Ma Blitherer (Sandy Duncan) is saying? Well, neither does anybody else! Tonight: Pa Blitherer (Antonino Rocca) tries to get a plumber to the house before they all drown. Dancing Plumbers Team: June Taylor Dancers. Dancing grape thieves: Mrs. White’s college-age Fourth Grade.

Ch. 52   MOVIE–Unbearable horror that might overthrow your reason

In “Gargoyles XII: Unemployment!” (Irish/Czechoslovakian, 1982: 550 minutes), the whole family is dismissed from their posts atop the Amboy Cineplex and has to apply for unemployment benefits. Follow Bluuxt and Glwwbbwych and the twins, Shshink and Yuipphf, as they try to navigate a maze of bureaucratic hoop-jumping. All Gargoyles played by cephalopods! Unemployment Counselor: Froggy the Gremlin. No humans were injured or killed in making this movie!

I know, I know–you hardly know where to start. These shows are just so great!

Byron the Quokka, signing off!

G’day, g’day! And welcome to another weekend of fantabulous TV brought to you by Quokka University, arranged by me, Byron the Quokka. Here’s a mere sample of our glorious menu.

7 P.M.   Ch. 09   SHADOOF!–Classic sitcom

The man they call “Shadoof” (Clint Walker) doesn’t know what that word means, and neither does anybody else. You won’t know, either. Tonight: Shadoof gets caught up in a illegal gumball racket. Mr. Big: Linda Hunt. Zorro: Fernando Lamas. (We don’t have any shadoofs on Rottnest Island, so don’t ask me what it is!)

Ch. 12   BASEBALL–New York Yankee Rejects vs. Parkville Home for the Aged

Red-hot prospects who never made the team take on 80-plus-year-olds at Municipal Landfill Stadium. Announcers: Gary Abdel-Shawabti, Stammerin’ Joe Jugurtha, Marcel Marceau. Sponsored by Magma-Fest Beer, “When you’re having more than six.”

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 22   SUPER-SNAIL–Adventure

Incompetent gardener Hector Oops (Sir John Gielgud), bitten by a were-snail, develops snail-like attributes and launches into a career of slow-motion crime-stopping! Tonight: Have the June Taylor Dancers (Themselves, the whole gang of them) kidnapped a man who’s stayed awake too long? Super-Snail investigates!

7:41 P.M.   Ch. 36   COMPULSIVE LIAR NEWS–News & commentary

Not a single word of it is true! Anchor Roger Dimmsdale (not his real name) interviews a man who falsely claims to be President Lyndon Johnson. Consumer reporter Ellen Melon (not her real name, and she’s not a real reporter) pans bathroom products that do not in fact exist–Dran-O For Kids and Newman’s Own Borax Shampoo.

8 P.M.   Ch. 61   MOVIE–Almost-classic film noir

Some guy from my high school class stars as private eye Ogden Nash in “I Live Face-Down, You Crummy Clown” (Tibetan, 1969: 22 minutes). Set in a Florida alligator farm, “the rhyming detective” tries to nab a serial murder (Debbie Reynolds) before she can qualify for a guest spot on “Hollywood Squares.” Host: Peter Marshall. Widely-condemned music by Joe Frazier and the Knockouts.

So there you have it–better stock up on goodies before the shows start!

On my way to get more scrumptious leaves!