G’day! Herman the Giant Millipede here, filling in for Byron the Quokka, who’s–oh, never mind, here he comes!
Thank you, Herman. Sorry I’m late, folks. Without any more ado, here are samples of Quokka University’s weekend television treasures.
7 P.M. Ch. 03 WINNING AT CHESS BY MAKING GROTESQUE FACES–(It is what it sounds like)
He may not be a grand master or even a mediocre chess player… but he can turn his face practically inside-out. Yes, it’s Joey Tkachvaevsky, who has literally made some of his opponents faint when they see his antics. Warning: not the show for children, they’ll have nightmares for a week!
Ch. 08 PROJECT MOHOLE: CONTINUED!–Science news
Remember Project Mohole, way back when? You used to read about it in “My Weekly Reader.” And then they shut it down because it just didn’t seem like a good way to spend money anymore. But Angelo “Bud” MacChesney, armed with pick and shovel, now digs where Mohole left off–and he’s on his way down, all the way down to the Moho Discontinuity, where things happen that can’t be explained here. Song: “I’m in the Mood for Contortions.”
7:18 P.M. Ch. 22 NEWS WITH PETER THE HERMIT–Supernatural
He’s not into leading children’s crusades anymore! Now, through professional medium Donna Glutenbauer, Peter the Hermit delivers “News from the Other Side.” Find out what some of history’s most famous dead people have been doing in the last thousand years or so. Critical response runs the gamut from “A shameful fraud” to “Someone needs to go to jail for this!”
7:30 P.M. Ch. 09 N.Y. METS VS. STELTON CADAVERS–Bladderball
The new game that’s taking professional sports by storm! Rubber bladders filled with sticky diet soda–how far can a baserunner get before somebody breaks a “bladder” over his head? Play-by-play: Jane Austen. Color commentary: Richard “I swear I’ll kill my agent!” Burton. With Maury Povitch and his orchestra.
8 P.M. Ch. 56 MOVIE–Shakespearean science-fiction with marbles
In “Who Done Do My Tragedy” (Taiwanese, 1998), King Lear (Charles Bronson) is taken aboard a Klingon starship and taught how to “Zmumzowee.” Will it be enough to put things right? Master Gukakk: Roddy McDowell. Capt. Yashyash: Sandy Duncan. Cordelia: Barbara Stanwyck. Duke Snider: Scatman Crothers. Special appearance, having absolutely nothing to do with the plot, by the June Taylor Dancers.
Well, boys ‘n’ girls, how do you like those apples? I mean, you can chew up your whole weekend just watching these fabulous TV shows! I’ll bet I will
Baby picture, Mom & me… quite some years ago! Byron the Quokka, signing off.