Byron’s TV Listings, April 2

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1960

Relax! April Fool is over, we can all go back to playing it straight–well, at least with TV listings.

Byron the Quokka here, with this weekend’s frustication of glorious TV. And here are just a few samples.

6 P.M.  Ch. 12  TASTE-TESTING CAT FOOD–(Indescribable)

Our panel of celebrities (who have all done something wrong, and are trying to get out of it) taste-test new brands of cat food. This week’s panel: Chuck Connors, Chiang Kai-shek, Miss America, and Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers in the background.

6:14 P.M.  Ch. 19  JIMMY FRAUD’S JOURNAL–Sloppy news reporting

America’s most credulous journalist interviews a man in Yimpton, New Jersey, who once saw Rachel Ray in a car somewhere. Also featured: Semifinals of the annual Forgotten World Leaders Impersonations in Tajikistan, Vermont. Great imitation of that guy Whatsisname in Indonesia!

6:30 P.M.  Ch. 06  MOVIE–Greek tragedy

In “Oedipus Wrecks” (Chinese-Hittite, 1997), the jolly Greek king (Soupy Sales) finds out he gouged out his eyes for nothing: his mother and father are still alive and well and vacationing in Acapulco, they were only kidding about being dead. Just how far can Oedipus take a joke? Oracle: Jimmy Durante. Queen Annabell: Phyllis Diller.

Ch. 32  YANCY POPGUN–Western drama

How dangerous was it to roam the Wild West armed only with a toy gun that you insist is real? Yancy (Elisha Cook Jr.) never backs down from a showdown! This week: An innocent little boy (Dan Duryea) begs Yancy to save his father (Flip Wilson) from the hangman. Judge Reindeer: A real reindeer, no joke.

7 P.M.  Ch. 116  BLINDFOLD BASEBALL–Sports

The Toronto Fizzies take on the El Paso Fragments in the new, incredibly dangerous sports sensation, blindfold baseball! (And no, we don’t want to hear any of those old jokes about umpires.) If you think batting against pitches you can’t see is risky, wait’ll you see the chaos on the basepaths. Play-by-play: Marcel Marceau   Color commentary: Gorilla Monsoon.

Well, folks, there you go! Some of that cat food that they have to taste, I don’t know how they do it…

Quokka | San Diego Zoo Animals & Plants

This is Byron the Quokka, signing off. Happy viewing!

Byron’s TV Listings, March 19

Tonight's US television… in 1972 - Schedules - Transdiffusion Broadcasting  System

G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend full of fantabulous TV! Remember, some of us here at Quokka University could get in huge trouble for bringing you these shows which no one is supposed to see–and the less said about that, the safer for all concerned!

6:56 P.M.  Ch. 09   JUDGE JOOTY–Courtroom claptrap

A man sues his live-in girlfriend for shrinking him to the size of a two-year-old. Bailiff: Estes Kefauver. Jury: The June Taylor Dancers. Executioner: Tim Conway.

7 P.M.  Ch. 04   SPONKY WILSON–Sitcom

Sponky (Andre the Giant) tries to impress his date (Linda Hunt) by ordering their dinner in French–in a Chinese restaurant. Imagine their surprise when the waiter brings them a bowlful of live spiders! Mr. Chong: Desi Arnaz. Swoozy: Angela Merkel

Ch. 15   HAMMURABI’S GAVEL–Courtroom horror

Gasp in horrified astonishment as Judge Hammurabi (Joe Flynn) applies ancient Babylonian law to modern cases: Selling cigars that burn unevenly (“Burn you!”); barratry (“Don’t ask!”); identity theft (“Let’s see what’s left of your identity when the ants get through with you!”); misgendering (“Show this jidrool what happens when you waste this court’s time with crap like that!”). With Tennessee Aaron Burr and his jug band.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 39  MOVIE–Paranormal Adventure

In “Gone With the Wind People” (Croatoan, 2002), private eye Punchy Watzinger (Kevin Branagh), slowly dying of uncontrollable dandruff, discovers the secret entrance into the Land of the Wind People. Special music by Bruce Willis. Evil Wind People: Bill Baird’s Ugly Puppets. Featured song: “My Coccyx Fell Off to One Side.”

Ch. 72   SO YOU WANT TO BE INVISIBLE!–Game show

How far will contestants go to prove to host Ray Charles that they’re invisible? Tests include 1) Walking onto a busy sidewalk in the nude, 2) giving a wet willie to the biggest biker in the bar, and 3) challenging passers-by with “I bet you can’t see me!” (and being really aggressive about it). This week’s prize: Genuine dollar-store piano.

Well, there you go–TV for the ages! Somebody told me Shakespeare wrote a play about Sponky Wilson, but I didn’t believe it. You have to get up earlier than that to fool a quokka.

Quokkas tend to invite people over for a nice home-cooked meal every so  often; they'll even wait for their guests by the door to greet them as soon  as they arri… |

(Sometimes Mrs. Bismuth lets us watch TV in her living room.)

 

Byron’s TV Listings, March 12

Pin on Remember When

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. March is ripping along so fast! It’s all we can do to find quality TV to bring you on the weekend. Like these:

8 P.M.  Ch. 33   ROLLER DERBY WITH SIR KENNETH CLARK–Scandal

This is why they wouldn’t let Sir Kenneth Clark keep on hosting Civilization. He brought his erudition, charm, and urbanity to professional roller derby–where it’s totally wasted, of course, but who cares? This week: Bay Area Embalmers vs. Perth Amboy Saps.

Ch. 41   MOVIE–Horror chiller

In Dr. Fanabla’s House of Tacky Outfits (Honduran, 2002), trusting young women who agree to model his “high fashion” outfits are never seen again–until secret agent Kookla Fran (Debbie Reynolds) appears on the scene! Dr. Fanabla: Cecil Rhodes. All-Girl Rumanian hit squad: the June Taylor Dancers. Huge Stick Insect: himself.

8:15 P.M.  Ch. 09  HOW TO MARRY A PAUPER–Reality show

Join host Amenhotep III as he matches peppy society girls with older men who’ve lost all their money! It’s like a game show, group therapy, and slapstick comedy all rolled into one! Zeppo: Mikhail Gorbachev. Beppo: Tammy Grimes.

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 19  PARDON MY FRENCH!–Sitcom

Clara Bow stars as Sassy LaFong, the only French speaker in an isolated community of transplanted Cossack crossword-puzzle composers who only speak Scottish. Misunderstandings abound! This week: Igor (Jack Webb) offers Sassy a bowl of live crickets–but what she’s trying to tell him is that his house is on fire!

Ch. 56  MY SON THE HORSE’S A**–Drama

Totie Fields plays Mama Dook, whose 45-year-old son, Doozy (Redd Foxx), is a constant disappointment to her. This week: Doozy is fired from his job on the same day he’s hired–and Mama plans to behead the boss (Al Lewis). Featuring Spiro Agnew and his Jug Band.

These ought to hold you for a couple days! I never understood why Sir Kenneth Clark wasn’t announcing roller derby from the git-go. He makes it real–y’know?

Quokkas: why we need to look beyond the smile - Australian Geographic

Well, I’d better hurry if I want a good seat! this is Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Byron’s TV Listings, March 5

TV Guide Magazine: The Cover Archive 1953 - today! | 1967 | March 4, 1967

Those were the days!

(I don’t know if I can manage this today, but I’ll try.)

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend’s worth of fabulous TV viewing. Here are just a few samples.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 08  YOU CAN GROW HAIR!–Infomercial

Host Frandor Tungsten, “the Hairiest Man on Earth,” demonstrates an assortment of hard-to-find hair tonics guaranteed to grow hair… anywhere! This week, he grows whole thickets of matted hair on a floor lamp and an ottoman. Somewhat disgusting, but certainly impressive.

Ch. 14   THE LEVITATORS–Sci-fi thriller

Undercover cops Patsy (Jane Eyre) and Flatsy (Archie Andrews) make criminals drift off into outer space, never to return! Mafia boss Benny “The Shark” Bosco has had enough of this–but can his favorite hit man (Lassie, playing a human) keep his feet on the ground?

8 P.M.  Ch. 22  I MARRIED A LUNATIC–Sitcom

JoJo’s abjectly horrible trombone practice is driving her husband up the wall! JoJo: Edie Adams. Jimbo: Denis Menke. Angry neighbors: the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 61  MOVIE–Medieval Philosophy

In “Where’s Robin Hood When You Need Him?” (Canadian/Indonesian, 1996), the lord of the manor (Gene Autry) clashes with Abbot Rudolphus (Slim Pickens) over who has the rights to the last carp (Frank Buttocks) in the old Mill Pond. Lady Margo: June Allyson. Saracen spy: Edgar Buchanan.

Well, I’m sure those have whetted your appetite for more. Quokka University continues to bring you the absolute best in low-cost entertainment!

979 Quokka Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

Byron the Quokka, signing off… Aloha!

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 26

Retrospace: TV Guide #8: Feb 12-18, 1977

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, live (what else?) at Quokka University on Rottnest Island, with another supercalifragilistic weekend of TV viewing. For instance:

8 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE FUMPHERS–Sitcom

Weewee (Dennis Weaver) gets a job diagramming sentences, while Popsy (Washington Irving) catches Mrs. Sphagnum (Totie Fields) crawling around through their tomato patch again. Myrtle the Octopus: herself.

Ch. 13   SCARY HORRIBLE BUGS–Educational

Host Jimmy Fraud is terrified of insects, any insects: watch the fun when the script forces him to eat and sing to assorted creepy-crawlies. His pleas to “Let me outta here!” fall on deaf ears. This week’s guest: Charles De Gaulle.

8:13 P.M.  Ch. 02   MOVIE–Adventure/Bad Poetry

“Piranhas Wipe Out New York” (Latvian, 1959) features Mongolian celebrity bass fisherman Urgus Quzeluut as the only man in New York City who knows the paranhas are coming to eat everybody; but only Flopsy and her sisters (the June Taylor Dancers) will listen to him! Everybody else says rude things to him. Coach Red Holtzman: Carol Burnett.

8:30 P.M.   Ch. 33  NEW YORK MENDICANTS BASEBALL– Sports

The Mendicants take on the Washington Thieves in a three-game series billed as “the high noon of Major League expansion!” Seventh-string All-Star second baseman Skip Coccyx is back in the lineup after being sidelined with an identity crisis. Play-by-play and color commentary: Greta Thunberg, Woody Woodpecker.

9 P.M.  Ch. 41  I LIVE FACE-DOWN–Crime Drama/Tragedy/Can’t Bear to Watch

Bacteria City Detective Lieutenant Basil Frazzle (Buster Crabbe), busted down to beat cop for an infraction he didn’t commit, devotes himself to tracking down the mice who framed him and getting back at the review board who didn’t believe his story and gave him a proper reaming-out for telling it. Capt. Batnick: Barney Rubble. Inspector Grone: Herbert S. Zim. Street-smart Nun: Dame Judith Anderson.

Now, how’s that for a mere sample of the indescribable pleasures that await you when you tune in to QUTV? We go to unspeakable trouble to round up these shows for you!

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Byron the Quokka, signing off–before someone grabs my seat.

One More TV Listing

Talk fast for you by Memeify18 | Fiverr

Oops! Byron here–and I don’t know how we ever managed to leave this show out of our weekend TV listings–especially after all the trouble we went to, to get it! This is a local show, produced in Ongs Hat, New Jersey; and it will blow you away!

6:01 P.M.   Ch. 112   SIXTY SECONDS!–News and commentary

Jimmy Fraud, “The Fastest Talker in the World,” delivers 30 minutes’ worth of news and commentary in just 60 seconds! You won’t believe your ears! And they give out prizes to anyone who can prove he understood three words of it. Last week Margie Snit won a shoebox full of Green Stamps. This week, it could be you–so listen carefully.

And that’s that for this weekend.

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 19

Bcast_Md — TV Guide listings for April 8, 1959. “Varsity...

Are you ready for another weekend of glorious TV, acquired in secret by Quokka University?

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Get yourself a handful of crunchy leaves and head for the nearest easy chair. Here are some samples.

7 P.M.  Ch. 05   THE FOP–Crime Drama/Fashion

Ace detective Jimbo Fimbo (the Smothers Brothers) won’t get his hands dirty, and all his clothes are top-of-the-line high fashion. A lot of crimes go unsolved while he admires himself in the mirror (Telly Savalas). This week: Mayor Strumpet (Strother Martin) pleads with Jimbo to solve a kidnapping. Blind Pew: Sandy Duncan.

Ch. 14   BE YOUR OWN STUNT MAN!–Educational

Yes, you, too, can jump out of high windows or out of moving cars! All it takes is practice. Regular host and instructor Stumpy Gruber returns from that unfortunate accident with the riding mower to show this week’s guest how to fall down the stairs without breaking anything. Attending physician: Former M.D. Betty Woont.

7:17 P.M.   Ch. 33   WEREWOLF NEWSROOM–News/Horror

This news studio is a ruined castle in Transylvania, with werewolf Sid Yatjac at the anchor’s desk, ready to undergo an agonizing shape-shift every time the moon is full. Weather: Count Steve (vampire). Sports: Cindy Indy from Rawalpindi (witch). With zombies as needed.

7:30 P.M.   Ch. 61  MOVIE–Thriller

In “You Can’t Spell Bnx” (Swiss, 2002), the last cowboy in Budapest (Rip Torn) tries to organize a cattle drive to Brussels–can the June Taylor Dancers stop him? Sheriff Mayoroczy: Toshiro Mifune. Louise Bingle: Angela Mao. Three-year-old bearded boy with delusions of grandeur: Soupy Sales.

Ch.  84   CHUCKY HAS NO BRAINS–Formless twaddle

Retired from his career in horror movies, Chucky the Killer Doll now hosts a quiz show featuring flesh-and-blood human contestants who are dumber than he is. Get the answer wrong, and you’ll get hurt! This week’s Really Hard Question: “What do people study at clown school?” With Francisco Franco and his orchestra.

Well, folks, that’s that! Science says that watching these shows will eventually double your brain size! I don’t know. Wouldn’t that… hurt, if your skull size didn’t double, too? Byron the Quokka, signing off!

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron’s TV Listings, Feb. 5

TV Guide 10-16 September 1966

G’day! Byron the Quokka here, with the best TV you’ll see all week! People are dyin’ to know where we get these shows! I wish I could tell you, but I don’t want to suddenly disappear… if y’know what I mean. Anyhoo, here’s a sample of this weekend’s revels:

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 08   PRESIDENT FOR LIFE!–Drama

So you think it’s easy, being dictator? Gen. Buckethead (Edward Platt) needs a special march for his death squads (“Like the goose-step, only higher–much higher!”), while Mrs. Buckethead (Nancy Pelosi) can’t decide whose scalp to wear to the annual Diversity Ball. Who will be led out and shot this time? Suck-up News Anchor: Dan Rather.

Ch. 10   SAMMY THE GIANT JELLYFISH–Children’s Science Fiction

It takes a lot of jellyfish to make the high seas safe for multi-family housing; but Sammy (Sidney Toler) is a lot of jellyfish! This week: Mr. Bigsheets (Sal Hepatica) need’s Sammy’s help when his Floating Apartments keep sinking for no apparent reason. Sally the Giant Sea Cucumber: Julie Andrews

8:00 P.M.   Ch. 18  HOME RUN DERBY–Game Show

Can they still hit home runs if they’re 80 years old, up against a near-sighted pitcher who throws heat–and wearing an oversized derby instead of a batting helmet? Heck, the freakin’ thing keeps slipping down over their eyes just as the ball is released! Host: Noam Chomsky. Tonight’s contestants: Shotgun Shuba, Bob Allison, Elio Chacon. First one hit into the seats wins everybody else’s personal belongings.

Ch. 41  MOVIE–Historical Epic

In “Hercules vs. the Bugs of Babylon” (Finnish-Ethiopian, 1987), Sunu Huutuala, “the Steave Reaves of Helsinki,” stars as the legendary strongman who must save Babylon from an invasion of shield bugs. Evil mastermind: Arnold Stang. Loola the Slave Girl: Helen Hayes. Babylonian goon squad: the June Taylor Dancers.

8:08   Ch. 37  UNSOLVED PARANORMAL LOTTERY NUMBERS–Utter Ca-Ca

Emcee John Kerry (wooden puppet) unwinds the convoluted excuses of self-taught experts whose fool-proof systems… fail. This week: “Bigfoot changed my numbers”: 14 guests from all around the country tell their stories. Featuring Mr. Clean and his orchestra. (Yes, the real Mr. Clean from all those old commercials!)

Well, me hearties, cruise through the weekend on a sea of great TV! Blimey! Have I just made a metaphor? This job is getting to me!

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 29

TV Guide Oct 2, 1970 | Program pages from the Minneapolis-St… | Flickr

G’day, mates! Byron the Quokka here, with another glorious weekend of TV brought to you by Quokka University. Enjoy it while you can–the authorities are breathing down our necks. Yes–some of these shows, They don’t want you to watch! For instance:

5:20 P.M.  Ch. 09  BUD THE DUD–Soap Opera (with soap)

Superstar Hoyt Flapjack plays Bud the Dud, “the man who can’t do anything.” When Bud is called on to fill in for the Archbishop of Bangor for two weeks, the whole congregation rises up against him. Mrs. Botox: Paris Hilton. Octopus Collector: Rex Harrison.

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 19   THE MAN WHO THOUGHT HE WAS HOWARD COSELL–Drama

Once upon a time, sportscaster Howard Cosell was the big name in TV sports. Now, compulsive liar and kung-fu master Chiang Bu How (Jackie Chan) devotes his life to impersonating Cosell. This week: Chiang fools the commandant of a military academy (Richard Simmons) into letting him call the academy’s pick-up sticks games. Featuring the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 28   INTELLECTUAL NEWS WITH MEGAN DUSTMITE–News & Commentary

This is the news that no one cares about! What new pronouns have been invented this week? Who are the top influencers on YouTube? How do they decide what’s the deepest new article in The Atlantic? When do we start eating bugs? Megan Dustmite has all the latest dope for dopes. Guest anchor: Adam Schiff.

6 P.M.  Ch. 33   MOVIE–New Age Self-Actualization

“Meet Me in Sheboygan” (Serbian, 2003) stars Boleslav Mrkyrkovic as Reggie Whittington III, whose voyage of self-discovery starts with a chair that falls apart when you sit on it. This was the last film directed by former Cincinnati outfielder Gus Bell; they won’t let him make any more. Ms. Pantyraid: Mimi Rogers. With Telly Savalas and his orchestra.

Ch. 46   MAKE ME GIGGLE INCOHERENTLY–Game Show

Host Paul Ryan, former Speaker of the House, subjects contestants to meaningless ordeals that do them no good at all–but which one can make Mr. Giggle (identity withheld: he could get in trouble) lose his cool? Losers get Indian burns; but the winner gets… oh, man, I can’t even say this, I think I’m gonna heave…!

Why Quokkas Are The Cutest Animals In The World

Well, that’s just a sample of what we’ve got in store for you this weekend. Make sure you’ve got a comfortable chair or couch, and plenty of tasty, crunchy leaves!

Byron’s TV Listings, Jan. 22

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1961

G’day! Byron the Quokka here. A lot of you have been asking where we get these TV programs, and how we pay for them. I am not at liberty to tell you! Crikey, do you think I want the Bengal Lancers coming after me?

And speaking of Bengal Lancers, here are a few samples from this weekend’s menu.

6:45 P.M.  Ch. 52   YOU CAN BE A BENGLE LANCER!–Self-help

You can’t go wrong with people who misspell the title of their own TV show! Join host Illya Padilla as he teaches you how to equip and train yourself to be a Bengal Lancer–and how to make contact with others who have the same affliction. Horse, lance, little pennant to tie to the lance, pith helmet–it’s not as hard as you might think!

7 P.M.  Ch. 08   LEAVE IT TO EVITA–Comedy/Political Philosophy

What if Evita and Juan Peron lost interest in ruling Argentina and moved to an American suburb with their two boys, Walleye and the Beaver? This week: Evita (Donna Reed) schemes to get Walleye (Howdy Doody) elected captain of the barking team, while the Beaver (Howard Duff) falls in love with the June Taylor Dancers. Mr. Hojo: a watermelon.

Ch. 19  HAWAIIAN EYEBALL–Crime Drama

Dan Rather stars as disgraced ex-police lieutenant Bam-Bam Bambo, whose one-man mission is to find out what the heck happened to ancient Carthage. Rather than consult any books, he peers through Honolulu’s keyholes–and wait’ll you see what he sees! Uncle Smacky: Mikhail Gorbachev. Katie Couric: Heather Locklear.

7:30 P.M.  Ch. 62   MOVIE–Tragical Romance

In “The Deadly Horrible Wading Pool” (Icelandic, 1991), lovers Percival and Bismuth (Tim Conway, Theda Bara) are stymied by the Trolldomsaefn Hole in the Ground, which has already swallowed up the postman. The producers have sued Violet Crepuscular for plagiarizing their work. Wise Woman of the Desolate Wastes: Carol Channing.

7:36 P.M.  Ch. 34  IS THAT YOUR EXCUSE?–Game Show

Host Richard Dawson (Will Smith) has obtained candid photos of contestants, who will be called upon to explain them. Best cop-out gets a seat in Congress! Worst (as judged by the studio audience) gets another kind of seat altogether. With a whole lot of noisy harbor seals instead of a studio orchestra.

Well, that does it. I love those 1990’s Icelandic movies about lovers with funny names. Nothing makes a better background for a game of pickup sticks.

Quokka: [PHOTOS] This wildlife photographer's love for Quokka has made the  animal an Instgaram famous star | Trending & Viral News