G’day, g’day, and happy weekend! Byron the Quokka here, with absolutely the very best in television, the best shows of the last 800 years! Brought to you by Quokka University, where a degree in Nothing Studies means just that.
Behold a few samples:
7:30 P.M. Ch. 02 THE MICROBES–(Best sitcom ever)
Kate Smith and Stan Laurel star as Alice and Jerry Microbe, whose neighbors can’t see them without a microscope! (I don’t know why they put in that exclamation point. Someone please take it away.) This week: Alice gets lost in Mrs. Moseby’s rug. Mrs. Moseby: Shari Lewis. Sasquatch: Harold Stassen.
Ch. 08 THE NEWS IN DANCE–News & commentary
Join the June Taylor Dancers in presenting and analyzing the world’s news in interpretive dance! Tonight: Turkey, Paraguay sign non-aggression pact; Congress investigates pro wrestling match-fixing scandal; 450-pound pole vaulter sets record. Song: “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.”
7:42 P.M. Ch. 17 MOVIE–Science fiction
In “Able was I, Ere I Saw Elba” (Hong Kong, 1975), the Shaw Brothers’ five-hour epic, kung-fu meets string theory. A drunken guard (Luis Tiant) falls in love with a pineapple from another dimension (Linda Hunt), who is able to look sort of like a woman when the mood takes her. Together they plot to bring back Napoleon Bonaparte (Gabe Kaplan)! Too bad they only brought back half of him… Mrs. Hsing: Li Lo Liang.
8 P.M. Ch. 46 GET RICH QUICK!–Self-improvement
Host Alan Diphthong filmed 12 of these episodes before he was sent to prison for fraud. Tonight’s projects: raising fleas for sale to flea circuses; a radish farmer in California switches over to taking money not to scare small children; start your own sky-diving school. Special guest: Bill Moyers.
Ch. 52 KNIT THE RAVELED SLEEVE OF CARE–Game show
It’s celebrities Chuck Connors, Abe Ribikoff, and Sally Field against three schlubs from the studio audience in a battle to see which team can stay awake longest through a reading of Silas Marner by a not-very-talented W.C. Fields impersonator. Winning team gets Batman wrist watches! Losing team gets doused with ice-cold water. Host: Porky Pig (don’t ask).
Well, if you think these are great shows, wait’ll you see the ones I haven’t written previews for! One of our emus went hog-wild after just half an hour’s viewing.
Happy viewing! Byron the Quokka, signing off.
Well, that’s emus for you, but we don’t act like that. We love your list, but we manage to stay calm.. just remembering mostly. Thanks for keeping the reminders coming.
Here is a hymn suggestion: Collingsworth Family singing I want Jesus more than anything. I haven’t heard it myself yet, but the title sounds good
Wow, I want to see every one of these shows! Great job, Byron! (Exclamation points deliberate.) And Harold Stassen just never gives up, does he?