Blimey, only two days left till Halloween! Better get my El Kabong costume out of mothballs.
G’day, all! Byron the Quokka here, with indescribably wonderful TV viewing for your weekend. I mean, we’re talking “Soak your brain!” Here are a few samples.
4:37 P.M. Ch. 06 QUICKIE NEWS–(It might give you a headache)
What do you get when you take last night’s 60-minute news show and speed it up so it can be watched in just three minutes? You get Rottnest Island’s most popular news broadcast! And maybe a bout of queasiness to go with it. Anchor: Sid the Parrot.
4:40 P.M. Ch. 06 MOVIE–Underwater adventure
Now that the three-minute world news is over, relax with Who Be Digging Up the Coral? (Indo-Jamaican, 1987: 360 minutes, counting commercials). Rishi Vijaya Gupta stars as a cynical but idealistic chain store magnate who seeds coral reefs off Jamaica so he can plant “treasure” in them and dig it up later. The bloodthirsty but benign local sheriff (Elston Howard) opposes him. Mrs. Hashimoto: Heather Locklear.
5 P.M. Ch. 12 JIMMY FRAUD PRESENTS–Variety
What a lineup! The June Taylor Dancers dance to the Guatemalan Runner-Up National Orchestra’s rendition of “I Got Coccyx Troubles,” Al Gore recites “Dinner With Dracula,” and The Amazing Bruno tries again to re-materialize, having de-materialized three weeks ago. Jimmy’s Monologue: “Why I Deserve a Raise.”
Ch. 20 WIDE WORLD OF STUPID–Sports
Chiang Kai-shek and Minnie Pearl host this hideous display of misbegotten fake “sports” shunned by the other networks! Now you can see ’em all: tightrope-pogosticking, wasps’-nest bothering, soccer with a bowling ball (those headers are murder!), getting stuck inside the clothing donation bin, and so much more!
5:30 P.M. Ch. 26 JUMPIN’ SPINNIN’ KICKS–Kung-fu crime drama
Dragon Bone Hill, Iowa, has an all-girl police force–and criminals beware! Every one of these beauties can wipe you out with secret jumpin’ spinnin’ kicks, taught by Master Wong Wei (Claude Akins). They can also leap backwards 20 feet in the air! This week: Hot on the trail of a misgendering ring, Officer Schadenfreude (Christie Brinkley) accidentally leaps onto the wing of a jet plane passing overhead. Hysterical passenger: William Shatner.
How about that, folks? Did you ever think you’d see that kind of programming on your TV? I’m lucky if I get any at all.
Byron the Quokka, signing off.
At least Byron is still on the job. Way t go, ol’buddy
Hilarious! The characters and casting, especially, had me guffawing out loud. And I loved the last bit about the hysterical passenger on the plane. (Thank you, Twilight Zone.) But I’d actually kinda like to see some of the Wide World of Stupid. I’m curious about what the benchmarks are for the getting-stuck-inside-the-clothing-donation-bin championship.
You lose points if you get back out, but certain calls of nature are not compatible with the situation.
I’ll have to go with the kung-fu show – “Spinning kicks” are irresistable. That Henry Winkler version of “A Christmas Carol” looks good also.
Yeah, that TV movie really is quite good. We’ve seen it several times.