G’day, fellow TV connoisseurs (however you spell it)! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of gloriously edifying TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University. Honest, any day now, we’ll start offering courses. Meanwhile, here’s a sample of red-hot television:
3 P.M. Ch. 09 DEADLY DANCERS–Crime Drama
The June Taylor Dancers star as high-kickin’ women who are also the Mob’s favorite hit men! Tonight: A rival mob boss (Hugh Downs) trains fierce armadillos to attack the Dancers. Joey Colooch: B.D. Wong. Thutmosis III: Unknown Egyptian actor who came in out of nowhere. Song: “Afflicted by Chiggers.”
Ch. 12 STICKS & STONES–Game show
Celebrity guests are pelted with sticks and stones by the studio audience! (It’s OK, they’re well-paid.) Last celeb standing wins a 5-film contract. Tonight: Chuck Connors, Cher, and Elizabeth Warren. Host: Wayne Newton (until he gets plunked, too).
3:30 P.M. Ch. 18 TENTACLES!–Sitcom (we think)
See Alvin the Octopus in his breakthrough role as Mr. Squidgy, the air-breathing, short-tempered giant octopus who teaches English Grammar at Jim Bob Booker High School. Don’t say “ain’t got no” in Mr. Squidgy’s class! This week: Mr. Squidgy helps honor student Mary Sue (Heather Locklear) rob a bank. Principal: Sophia Loren.
4 P.M. Ch. 03 HERE AND NOW–News and commentary
Exclusive fairy news! Gnomes and goblins, too! Anchored by Anderson Cooper handcuffed to his desk! Tonight: “Do Those Big Gigantic People We Keep Seeing Really Exist?” Mibbly Buttercup’s award-winning series on the existence of “human beings”. Tonight: A gnome on a beetle hunt insists he saw a human mowing his lawn.
Ch. 31 MOVIE–Paranormal, with just plain silly
Former U.S. Sen. Hiram Fong stars as a frustrated camel salesman in “Humps, You Sucker!” (Canadian, 1986). No one on Staten Island wants to buy a camel! In desperation, salesman Oleg Gesundheit (Fong) finds evidence that aliens from Orion are involved! Mrs. Portnoy: Nancy Culp. Hermann Hesse, famous German author of books that were trendy in the 70s: Mickey Rivers.
Sheesh! I don’t know which of these I want to watch first! I think I’ve seen all Alvin the Octopus’s movies…
And look at this–I’ve got a date! Byron the Quokka, signing off!