G’day, all you chicken-fat canners out there! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of monumental TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here’s a little peek at our menu.
3:40 a.m. Ch. 62 FOLKWAYS OF SOUTHEASTERN PALOOKISTAN–Educational
Tonight: a dramatization of “Chieftain Zhu Zhu-kai and the Misbegotten Horde of Sticky-Skinned Followers of Hun-K’i Do-Ri.” Translated into Swedish for easy comprehension. Host: Voddgoe Hormadski.
6:02 a.m. Ch.41 SUNRISE SCHOOL DAYS–Even more educational
Lecture 31 in the series, “How to Be Boring,” with Dr. Nelson Navage: “Telling People Things They Already Know.” Watch what happens to the driver when the passenger says, for the 25th time, “There’s a car parked by the sidewalk”! Or, “You are behind the steering wheel.”
7 a.m. Ch. 12 MORNING NEWS & CHANTING–(Don’t ask)
“The news that no one else would even think of covering!” shrieks anchorman Perry Mason (Raymond Burr). Sports: Agatha Christie. Featured today: A scientist who is convinced he can grow children from fava beans; also, a woman who speaks pure gibberish.
Ch. 16 NANNIE BEDBUG–Preschoolers’ programming
“What’s delightful? What’s so true? Parasites are good for you!” Life-sized puppet Nannie Bedbug opens every show with that catchy little tune. Honestly, we can’t tell you who talked us into picking up this series, but when we find him, we’re gonna make him wish his father never met his mother.
7:10 a.m. Ch. 08 THE REAL EARLY SHOW–Movie
Randolph Scott and Arnold Stang star in “Love Catches Andy Hardy With a Hickey” (Serbo-Indian, 360 minutes; 1971), actually a science fiction epic featuring special effects rejected by India’s “Bollywood” as being “too fanciful by half.” You’ll see what they meant when Arnold Stang grows to the size of a blue whale and develops whale-like mannerisms. Lucy Deucey: Heather Locklear. Mrs. Murphy: the June Taylor Dancers. The overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s chowder: Haystacks Calhoun.
I’ll be amazed if you put off watching these even long enough to say goodbye! Honest, with that one show, it’s just like being in Palookistan! I know a koala who went there once.
(I wonder if that bicycle needs a new owner!)