G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another glorious weekend’s worth of fluxurious television brought to you by Quokka University, home of the International Pick-Up Sticks Tournament in 1991. Here are just a few samples:
7 P.M. Ch. 18 U.S. GNUS AND WORLD REPORT–News & commentary
What’s up with wildebeests in America? And throughout the world? Whose ox is being gored? Says anchorwoman Felicity Fong, “If you only gnu what I gnu, you’d have a gnu lease on life!” You’ll be amazed by how tiresome this grows in only five minutes.
7:05 P.M. Ch. 18 APOLOGY FOR U.S. GNUS AND WORLD REPORT–Disclaimer after the fact
Corporate officers of the Titanic Huge Broadcasting System apologize for the preceding program and take turns blaming it on others.
7:15 P.M. Ch. 07 MOVIE–Probably impossible drama
In “The Three Stooges Meet Nostradamus” (Maltese, 1938: 77 minutes), the legendary slapstick team, in their one attempt to produce Serious Mainstream Drama, travel back in time to consult the sage and seer Nostradamus (Billy Gilbert) to ask who’s going to win the World Series. Guest spots by Froggy the Gremlin, Ma and Pa Kettle, and The June Taylor Dancers.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 56 CHANGE YOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY!–Self-help
Self-taught White Witch Syl Fishwife can help you become a different person! Tonight: “How to Become Vincent Price.” Assistant: Ed McMahon. Music: Eddie and the Coccyx Busters. Bonus: Visit with Willie the janitor at the shoe store who is now doing much better as Burgess Meredith.
Ch. 61 GILLIGAN’S ISLAND: EVOLUTION!–Sitcom with philosophical overtones (Can’t wait, can you?)
What if the castaways on Gilligan’s Island, never, ever got picked up, and also continued to live for, like, millions and millions of years, and never got so badly on each other’s nerves that they flew into homicidal rages… Would they evolve into some other, higher, form of life? Special effects by Mrs. Botchy’s fourth-grade class. Science advisor: Bill Nye. Skipper: Andy Ptah. Gilligan: David Duchovny.
Well, that’s that, boys ‘n’ girls! Actually it’s not, it’s just a sample. We’ve got a whole weekend’s worth of stuff out there.
Are you ready to rock? Ready to roll? Byron the Quokka, signing off.
Gee, maybe the castaways might evolve into quokkas. Wouldn’t that be grand?
And what an avant-garde idea about extending the trans fad into becoming a whole different individual. I’d love that — as a contralto who can’t carry a tune, I’d love to transition into becoming Joan Sutherland, the greatest coloratura soprano of the 20th century. (Although the reviewers might say, “Joan Sutherland seems to have become a contralto who can’t carry a tune.” Such reviewers would be cancelled, of course.)
I was not a fan of Gilligan’s Island, but I am a fan of the Three Stooges, so I am all in for their latest movie. The Gnu Show sounds like a gnu twist on an old show.
Who was your favorite 3rd stooge?
I really didn’t gnu that. We don’t have gnu here, I bet you didn’t gnu that.