G’day, g’day! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of mind-elevating TV from Quokka University. It’s a beautiful day, so take out your TV set and plug it into the ground! Here’s a sample of the menu:
7:06 A.M. Ch. 66 MOVIE–Critically-acclaimed artsy-fartsy
In “Dog My Cats” (Swedish [of course], 1956: 459 minutes) Max Von Sydow stars as a housefly specialist who falls in love with mop (voice of Loretta Young). A passionate triangle develops when Andy Devine shows up with a fire extinguisher! Special guest star: the June Taylor Dancers.
7:30 A.M. Ch. 34 AUNT SQUEEGIE–Real people’s problems
Aunt Squeegie applies the wisdom of Atlantis to real-life problems brought up in viewers’ letters. This week: A housewife in Idaho believes her husband has stolen a battleship from the U.S. Navy; a Louisiana beauty queen has nightmares about getting lost inside the Great Pyramid; a high school teacher thinks he’s William Shatner.
Ch. 38 MY BRAIN IS NOT FOR SALE!–Crime drama
Only one man stands between Crimes “R” Us and world domination: private eye Anthony Sqwllyrd (Hu Fang Hui). This week: Iceland is missing! Sqwllyrd and his sidekick Ftomppt (a man who looks like hell) are the only ones who can find it. Commissioner Ddycgro (Patti Paige).
8 A.M. Ch. 03 JIMMY FRAUD INVESTIGATES–News & commentary
Crack reporter Jimmy Fraud investigates a crack in the floor of the boiler room at Juan Valdez Elementary School. Also: Jimmy reports on “wisecracks” and “crackups.” Hailed by TV Round-Up as “indescribable!”
8:25 A.M. Ch. 23 NEWS EXTRAVAGANZA WITH HAIRY MARY DOWD–More news & commentary
At last! A news program for persons obsessed with women’s professional wrestling. Hairy Mary Dowd still does her trademark “A microphone makes a good club!” gag with guests who mouth off to her. Tonight: Babs the Barbarian remembers her charity bout with a giant octopus (“I almost died!”). Featuring the Trujillo Family Singers.
Well, boys ‘n’ girls, whattaya think of that? Do we know how to pick ’em, or do we know how to pick ’em!
Byron the Quokka, signing off…
From the spelling, I take it that “My Brain Is Not for Sale” is Welsh? Or is that Icelandic, the only remnant of the missing country? As for “Aunt Squeegie,” considering the way our military is going, I can well believe someone could steal a battleship from the Navy … and even manage to get it to Idaho.
It’s Pidgin Welsh, a notoriously difficult dialect.
The June Taylor Dancers can kick their way into any show where they don’t belong. Even Bruce Lee, would have had a hard time defeating that gang of high kickers.
The women’s professional wrestling seems like something I must avoid at all costs.