Let AI Arrange Your Marriage!

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The flag of Palookastan (Don’t ask…)

The People’s Republic of Palookastan likes to call itself “The Science Is Happening Place of All Central Asia.” And to prove it, they’ve passed a law that from now on, all marriages in Palookastan will be arranged by Artificial Intelligence.

President For Life Timoor Shakaleg laughed off some early glitches in the program. “These things happen!” he chortled, in between supervising firing squads. “A man in Jezhnivabad was told he had to marry the city’s founder, Lady Zoof, who died eight hundred years ago. And we had a woman in the mountains for whom is was arranged that she marry her wheelbarrow! So who said science has no sense of humor?”

Comrade Timoor found it slightly less than humorous when the robot directed him to marry his old nurse, Madame Pzessky, who used to make him eat bugs and told him The Blob was going to get him if he didn’t. “A thoroughly odious woman–I hate her!” he said. But moments later, “Well, science is science and we have to do what Science says! Even when we don’t understand it. Science is the only defense we have against Religion. So if Science says ‘Marry your old baggy pants,’ well, then, you marry your old baggy pants! But I regret to report that Madame Pzessky’s whereabouts are currently unknown.”

He has turned down an offer by Acme Robotics Inc. to replace Madame Pzessky with a convincing facsimile.

4 comments on “Let AI Arrange Your Marriage!

  1. Well, I think I’ll pass on using AI. But who knows, it just might lead to a compatible stove, weed wacker, or garbage disposal as the ideal companion.

    Nevertheless, if I want to get married again, I vote for the way I got to know my second wife, Maribeth. It was a year-long courtship, being totally honest with each other in all our phone calls, letters, emails (I still have all of the hundreds of letters we sent), before we met for the first time. This truly made for a wonderful 17-year marriage (before she passed away, only 44 years old), with my beautiful Filipino Princess. Which she was, in every sense of the word.

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