Greetings, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, trying to clean up the mess made here by Verizon this past weekend. And they lied about it, too. “Please, Byron, fix it!” Yeah, boss. Comin’ right up. But first, some TV listings.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 09 TRUE OR FALSE?–Game show
This week: Are “Flushable Wipes” really flushable? Watch hapless contests test several brands to see! Host: Sir Cedric Snurr, Fifth Earl of Pooh. Special cameo appearance by the June Taylor Dancers; their wipes turned out to be not flushable.
Ch. 10 COCCYX BUSTERS!–Another game show
You know those chairs you have in front of your desk, for people to sit in if they have to talk to you? They’re always so uncomfortable! Join host Genghis Khan as he experiments to find out which company’s chairs are hardest to sit in–and watch the poor guests squirm, trying to get comfy!
7:44 P. M. Ch. 14 NEWS FROM OTHER PLANETS–Ridiculous!
Join anchorwoman Elizabeth Warren and her stable of psychics as they intuit the news from other planets! Tonight: How Jupiter deals with nuisance phone calls; a whole galaxy without Internet access; and the latest Martian fashions.
8 P.M. Ch. 62 MOVIE–(indescribable: take two of these pills and go to bed)
In Major Alfalfa’s Cattle Drive, Wyatt Earp (Linda Hunt) tries to stop the Major (William Shatner) from driving his herd of longhorns from Pittsburgh to Pitcairn Island. Condemned by the President’s Council on Geography That Isn’t B.S.
Well, that’s all I could scrape up at short notice. Where’s Violet Crepuscular when you need her?
“Bring back the viewers–who? Me?” Byron the Quokka signing off.