G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Y’know, some folks have been sayin’ that our TV is just more of the same old schlock you can find anywhere. Hah! Here are a few samples of this weekend’s offerings: see for yourself!
8 P.M. Ch. 12 TRINKLEMAN, B.S.P.D.–Crime Drama
Jasper Trinkleman (the guy who played The Squid in Squishy) thinks he’s a police detective who can arrest anyone he wants. Lucky for him he has a friend who thinks he’s a judge (Don Wilson) and can jail anyone he wants. This week: real police grow impatient. Lt. Absinthe: Heather Locklear.
Ch. 14 NEWS WITH SHREWS–Indescribable
What happens when you take the classic horror movie, “Attack of the Giant Shrews,” and use it as the template for an up-to-the-minute news show? Co-anchors Dan Rather and Mr. Magoo find out the hard way. Note: No shrews were hurt in filming this episode, but half a dozen humans were very badly bitten. Sports: The Very Large Mermaid.
8:20 P.M. Ch. 20 MOVIE–Occult Baseball Drama
Very loosely based on the career of Alvin “Mud Pie” Jones, Bloodthirsty Haints in the Outfield (Serbo-Malaysian, 1988: 13 minutes) stars Fernando Lamas as the legendary one-legged centerfielder and Brigitte Bardot as his doting aunt. To save money on film, the actors talk real fast.
8:30 P.M. Ch. 62 DANCE FEVER, FOR REAL–Medical game show
Can the June Taylor Dancers succeed where every doctor, every medicine, every therapy has failed? “Let’s find out!” says host Nehemiah Persoff. Patients on portable beds experience the June Taylor Dancers dancing all around their cots to cure hair loss, lumbago, burpiness, and wobbly coccyx. Featured: silent music by the Main Street Mimes.
Still think these shows are schlock? I’ve seen Bloodthirsty Haints in the Outfield 14 times and I still don’t know who Mud Pie Jones was!
Byron the Quokka, signing off. So there!