It’s only Sept. 30 and you poor folks up in New Jersey are freezing your fritters off. G’day–or not! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of nefandous TV brought to you by Quokka University! Here’s a sample:
7:30 P.M. Ch. 14 TEACH YOUR DOG TO READ!–(It’s a scam)
Remember how upset people got when it was revealed that the dog wasn’t really reading? Hoo-boy! And the talking dog was just a front for a parakeet who could recite the Gettysburg Address. Host Richard Spumoni narrowly escaped a mob of angry pitchfork-wavers. Seems that “You Can Teach Your Dog to Read” instruction book was literally a steal–at $395.99.
Ch. 23 NEW YORK FLABBIES HAIRBALL–Live sports
The Flabbies take on the Minneapolis Tons O’ Fun at Warren G. Harding Field–and this time the Hairball is guaranteed not to fall apart and blow away. It always confuses the athletes when that happens. Play-by-play: Elizabeth Warren. Color commentary: Some guy with an octopus mask.
7:46 P.M. Ch. 30 ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ NEWS–News & commentary
Some of us really like news anchors who keep saying “We told you this would happen!” No matter what it is, they saw it coming and now they can say “You should have listened to us! When are you blockheads going to listen to us!” Dan Rather came out of retirement to do this show! Sports: Jimmy Homunculus.
8 P.M. Ch. 46 MOVIE–Tragicomedy with puppets
“The Golden City Full of Gold” (Serbo-Peruvian, 2001: 18 minutes) stars Freida Myce and Mr. Clean as explorers searching for a lost city inhabited by credulous maniacs. Contact with this civilization was lost when S&H Green Stamps went out of business! Professor Fondue: Henry Fonda. Kung-Fu Sally: Mary Tyler Moore. Whole army of maniacs: the June Taylor Dancers.
I don’t know how many times I’ve watched that “Golden City” movie. I still have a couple of books full of Green Stamps.
(I hope they’re home: my TV won’t work today.)