Byron’s TV Listings, March 2

G’day, me hearties! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of jaw-droppingly fabulous TV, brought to you by Quokka University. Here’s a sample!

6 P.M.  Ch. 56  KNOTTY OUTBOARD ENGINE PROBLEMS–(They’re kidding, right?)

Join host Stumpy Cavendish as he tackles one balky outboard engine after another (“I’ve still got all the fingers on my left hand!”) and tries to make them work. This week: sparks, flames, fumes, and acute risk of explosion (“Piece of cake!” says Stumpy). Background show in the boat house by the June Taylor Dancers.

Ch. 74  FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE: EVERYBODY DIE!–Sponsored by rich psychopaths, and the United Nations

Government-assisted suicide, argues the celebrity panel (Joey Heatherton, Sawney Bean, Mr. Bean, and Sam the Bag of Fertilizer), “only takes us so far, and that’s not far enough.” Tonight the panel unveils the long-awaited Next Step: government-assisted murder. Featured: Paul McCartney sings “Live and Let Die.”

6:40 P.M.  Ch. 12  JIMBO CAN’T COOK WORTH ****–Culinary crimes

Fired Chef Jimbo Gesundheit trots out the dish that got him banned from every restaurant in the Western Hemisphere–“Sauteed Wood.” Assisted by Barney the Lunatic, who thinks he’s a gibbon with ear mites, the producers re-issue The Jimbo Challenge: “Can You Actually Eat This and Not Die?”

7 P.M.  Ch. 08   MAC’S WILD WITCHES–Sitcom with Shakespearean overtones

What did those three witches do when Macbeth was over? They packed up the truck and moved to Beverly (Hills, that is) and opened a dauntingly expensive private school for rich girls who act like monkeys. This week: Sister Stewpot (Hillary C)  tries to start a Crones’ Union–but some scamp has stolen her magic wand! Sister Piewacket: Minnie Driver. Sister Grabbit: Unidentified woman who escaped from somewhere.

Well, that ought to do it! These shows, we think, will raise your IQ 50 points.

Mr. Keeble has color TV which he lets us watch–provided we wipe our feet before he opens the door. Byron the Quokka, signing off.