G’day, boys ‘n’ girls! And welcome to yet another weekend of brain-enhancing television, brought to you by Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and I endorse these shows! (I do want to keep working for Quokka U., y’know…)
7 P.M. Ch. 08 SIDEWAYS NEWS–(Just what it sounds like)
Now, at long last, huzzah! You don’t have to lie down sideways to see what the news looks like sideways! They film the whole thing sideways. It’s kind of hard to explain. “We read the cue cards sideways!” boasts anchor Geoffrey Tweedle. Fashion report: Alvin the Octopus.
Ch.26 SAY IT IN TONGUES!–Game show
What are these people saying? How do you win the game? How do you even tell the game has started? Cable TV pioneer Jimbly Jorkesson has struck oil with this daring new concept in entertainment–entertainment that no one understands! Hostesses: the Certs Twins, from those old commercials. Featured: the June Taylor Dancers.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 53 MR. & MRS. BODILY FLUIDS, 2024–Another one of those “pageant” things
Live from that abandoned boardwalk in Carnival of Souls, host Bobby Lee Smurf tries to find out who will be this year’s Mr. & Mrs. Bodily Fluids–in a procedure that will not be described here. Special guest star: Some fat guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.
7:58 P.M. Ch. 18 MOVIE–Western set at sea
In Yippee-yi-yo Glug-glug! (Ethiopian, 2017: 867 minutes), producers grapple with the challenge of shooting a sea-going Western in a land-locked country where cowboy movies are virtually unknown. Captain BooBoo: iconic Ralph Kiner imitator Rostick Brzwewski. Miss Coccyx: Jane Payne. Note: Director Tom Flung received a prison furlough to direct this movie, but could not be found after it was finished.
Well, there you go–just a small yet tantalizing sample of indescribable TV treasure. I can hardly wait to get started.
(That’s my bike in the background. A beauty, isn’t it! Byron the Quokka, signing off…)
Good on ya, Mate. You’re johnny on the spot, as usual.
(Just imagine if we could really watch this stuff…)