Byron’s TV Listings, Sept. 7

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron  the Quokka here, with September unrolling like a ball of yarn dropped down the steps. Here are a few fantastic TV shows to soften the landing!

4:30 P.M.  Ch. 07  WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS YOU NEVER HEARD OF–Sports

Join anchor Fyodor Djugashvili and color man Akimoto Ishii as they cover, live from Bulgaria, the Annual Bulgarian Face-Slapping Contest. Who can take the most slaps and still dish ’em out? Winner gets a nice ham!

Ch. 12   MOVIE–Utterly depressing story about tweezers

In Pinchy, Pinchy (Tannu Tuvan, 1951: 678 minutes), Bill Moyers stars as Krinkly, a man with an obsession for tweezers. Michael J. Pollard plays the CIA agent who chases him through the mens wear section of Gimbel’s. This is the movie they trot out when they argue against Tannu Tuva’s independence.

4:47 P.M.   Ch. 01  COMMERCIALS INTERSPERSED WITH CONTENT–(The title explains itself)

We don’t know if there really are hundreds of millions of people who’d rather watch commercials than the shows they advertise, so Producer Jimmy Fraud is taking a gamble here. He’s vowed to jump in a lake if this show doesn’t get great ratings! (“It’s his last chance,” says network president McGeorge McBundy.)

5:00 P.M.  Ch. 32  EXERCISE WITH “FATS” SCHIMMELPFENNIG–Fitness

Tired of all those TV fitness gurus who are already skinny and who knows why they’re still doing exercises? Like, maybe they were never fat in the first place! Well, you can’t say that about Pete “Fats” Schimmelpfennig! This is the show that made his fitness video, Eat Anything You Want, As Much As You Want, and Don’t Bother Exercising. a smash hit in Bogly, NJ.

Well, those shows ought to get you started! Have you ever been in Bogly?

Byron the Quokka, signing off–it’s TV time!