G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with just the right TV for a rainy weekend! Or a dry weekend. Here’s a sample of Quokka TV, brought to you by Quokka University.
4:36 P.M. Ch. 14 HOW TO GET BY ON JUST ONE LEG–Educational
Have you ever thought your legs would last twice as long if you only used one of them at a time? Join host Stumpy McGillicuddy as he demonstrates how to ride a bike using only one leg! And after that comes a lesson in one-legged rock climbing!
5 P.M. Ch. 06 ROUTE 67–Adventure & danger
It’s said that once you’re on Route 67, you’ll never be able to get off. Buzz and Margie (Some old guy, I forget his name, and Susan Parsnip) have been on this road for 35 years without finding an exit. Tonight: Buzz mistakes a Bigfoot for a hitch-hiker–and everything goes pear-shaped.
Ch. 16 WIDE WORLD OF LITTLE-KNOWN SPORTS–Little-known sports
From the Annual Bulgarian Face-Slapping Marathon to the Wet Raspberry Championship from No Dice, California, these are the sports the other networks won’t allow you to see! Bebe Rebozo (President Nixon’s friend!) and Janet Mumbles call the game and defy you to understand their made-up language.
5:30 P.M. Ch. 21 THE MAN FROM OSHKOSH (BY GOSH)–Thriller
Who is this menacing stranger (Chick Gandil) who sneaks around the neighborhood stealing lawn sprinklers and frightening the horses? Based on an ancient Apache legend! Tonight: How’s he supposed to steal in-ground sprinkler systems? Special guest star: Eva Ho, who once played Tugboat Annie on Broadway.
6 P.M. Ch. 44 MOVIE–Virtually indescribable drama
In Gunga Bird-Man (Made for TV in some remote province of India, 1985), rock legend Sam the Sham plays a homeless beggar who can fly. This tempts people to shoot at him, but they usually miss! Tonight: Gunga hears a rumor that professional wrestling is “fixed”–and suddenly he doesn’t feel like flying anymore.
Well! How about that for entertainment? I’ve never been to Oshkosh, so this show has added to my store of improbable geography.
I wonder if anyone would mind if I borrowed that bike?
Byron the Quokka, signing off.
I think I was on Route 67 once. But I finally managed to find an exit that didn’t land me on another road just like it. I don’t drive highways any more.
Good to see ya’, ol chop. You always come through.
HOW TO GET BY ON JUST ONE LEG–Educational – not that funny to those who have an amputated leg even though they can do wonders with prosthetic legs today. ROUTE 67–Adventure & danger – Another “Hotel California” story line – can’t get enough of a good thing, say V.P. Harris as she gets away day after day with all her lies. WIDE WORLD OF LITTLE-KNOWN SPORTS–Little-known sports – They must use drugs or alcohol to stay this slap happy. THE MAN FROM OSHKOSH (BY GOSH)–Thriller – a must-see – how do you steal an underground sprinkling system. Almost as intriguing as what is under the swimming pool. MOVIE–Virtually indescribable drama – I had no idea that “Wooly Bully” could fly as well as frighten Hattie and Mattie.
I was thinking more of my own right leg, which is currently defective.