Tag: crazy TV programs

G’day, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here, with just the right TV for a rainy weekend! Or a dry weekend. Here’s a sample of Quokka TV, brought to you by Quokka University.

4:36 P.M.  Ch. 14   HOW TO GET BY ON JUST ONE LEG–Educational

Have you ever thought your legs would last twice as long if you only used one of them at a time? Join host Stumpy McGillicuddy as he demonstrates how to ride a bike using only one leg! And after that comes a lesson in one-legged rock climbing!

5 P.M.  Ch. 06   ROUTE 67–Adventure & danger

It’s said that once you’re on Route 67, you’ll never be able to get off. Buzz and Margie (Some old guy, I forget his name, and Susan Parsnip) have been on this road for 35 years without finding an exit. Tonight: Buzz mistakes a Bigfoot for a hitch-hiker–and everything goes pear-shaped.

Ch. 16   WIDE WORLD OF LITTLE-KNOWN SPORTS–Little-known sports

From the Annual Bulgarian Face-Slapping Marathon to the Wet Raspberry Championship from No Dice, California, these are the sports the other networks won’t allow you to see! Bebe Rebozo (President Nixon’s friend!) and Janet Mumbles call the game and defy you to understand their made-up language.

5:30 P.M.  Ch. 21  THE MAN FROM OSHKOSH (BY GOSH)–Thriller

Who is this menacing stranger (Chick Gandil) who sneaks around the neighborhood stealing lawn sprinklers and frightening the horses? Based on an ancient Apache legend! Tonight: How’s he supposed to steal in-ground sprinkler systems? Special guest star: Eva Ho, who once played Tugboat Annie on Broadway.

6 P.M.  Ch. 44  MOVIE–Virtually indescribable drama

In Gunga Bird-Man (Made for TV in some remote province of India, 1985), rock legend Sam the Sham plays a homeless beggar who can fly. This tempts people to shoot at him, but they usually miss! Tonight: Gunga hears a rumor that professional wrestling is “fixed”–and suddenly he doesn’t feel like flying anymore.

Well! How about that for entertainment? I’ve never been to Oshkosh, so this show has added to my store of improbable geography.

I wonder if anyone would mind if I borrowed that bike?

Byron the Quokka, signing off.

Jambo, boys ‘n’ girls! Byron the Quokka here–and why do I say “Jambo” instead of “G’day”? Because Quokka University has finally landed broadcast rights for my favorite Safari & Lost City show! Without further ado:

6:46 P.M.  Ch. 42  JOKWAH OF THE JUNGLE–Adventure

Raised by spiders, Jokwah (Myron Cohen’s grandson, I forget his name) defends his beloved jungle from poachers, pikers, and piano salesmen. This week: Chongo the Cannibal (Joey Bishop) goes on a plant-based diet; can Jokwah help him keep it up before he plotzes? Trader Viki: Heather Locklear.

7 P.M.  Ch. 08  THE NEWS IN PANTOMIME–(Need you ask?)

What do you get when you combine a news broadcast with a game of “Charades”? Join anchors Wade Boggs and Sally Gupta and a crew of gifted mimers who can give you a whole day’s news without speaking a word! And they have this real scary Bigfoot that they let loose if the studio audience doesn’t get the clues.

Ch. -11   MOVIE–First movie to be shown on Negative TV!

Huckleberry Hound Meets the Queen of Termites (Indian/Mycenaean, 1453 B.C.) pits the beloved cartoon character (voice of Robert Mitchum) against the legendary evil queen (Jane Payne) who once put all of Greece under the Whammy. Negative TV gives you Channel Minus-11. (Don’t ask me what that means. I’m only a quokka.)

7:03 P.M.   Ch. 14  MY FIFTH COUSIN, THE CHAIR–Benighted sitcom

Hobie (Mickey Dolenz) learns that his fifth cousin, Zimuzjsu (Beto O’Rourke), has died–and now inhabits a chair in Hobie’s office! The staff (the June Taylor Dancers) is terrified of the haunted chair: their only defense is to dance past it! This week: Hobie catches the chair plotting a hostile takeover.

Well, folks, you can’t say we aren’t trying! You’ll have a long way to go before you find any more TV that looks like this!

Hurry! It’s almost time for Jokwah!