Byron’s TV Listings, March 8

Greetings, boys ‘n’ gulls! Byron the Quokka here–and willya look at that? They only gave me half a TV Guide sheet. But they wouldn’t like it if I have them only half a review.

Well, that’s not how we do things at Quokka University. We provide you with TV that the other networks are too scared or lazy to broadcast. TV like this.

Friday  7:30 p.m.   Ch. 64   PLASTIC BOOBY MEN FROM SCOTCH PLAINS–Science fiction/horror    You ain’t seen nothin’ till you’ve seen this! This is the TV show that’ll put Scotch Plains, NJ, on the map. This week: a hard-luck vampire (Bobby Darin) tries to organize a cattle drive from Scotch Plains to Scotland. Ramrod: Shemp Howard. Little Bo Peep: Angie Dickinson.

7:45 p.m.  Ch. 16   BLUNDER WOMAN–Incredible adventure

“Incredible” means unbelievable. But when you see Blunder Woman  (Charo),  get tangled up in TV aerials, you’ll believe it, all right! This week: Blunder Woman gets her undies stolen by super-villain Domgar the Schmendrick (Ingrid Bergman look-alike). Music by Patsy Rimsky-Korsakoff.

8 p.m.  Ch. 07   THE COCCYX–True crime, lots of gore

Who is this master criminal only known as “The Coccyx”? The audience knows, but Detective Sergeant Mylanta (Mickey Rivers), investigating the case, doesn’t have a clue! Which is too bad–because he’s the Chief’s top suspect! Chief: Sandy Duncan. Ghoulish private eye: Jackie Gleason look-alike.

Ch. 12  I’VE GOT A HYNIE!–Totally tasteless game show, you should be run over for watching it.

This is it–THE worst, most appalling, TV show ever, in which shameless former celebrities see who has the biggest… er, “cushion.” MC’ed by some idiot who insists he’s Pharaoh Ramses IV (nobody cares). He’s the one with the tape measure. Honestly, I’d rather not talk about this show. Let’s play some Yahtzee and forget about it.

And there you have it: Quokka University TV! I can’t wait to rush home, turn on the tube, and start watching.

I’m ready for massive entertainment!

Byron the Quokka, signing off