Coming Soon: The Bell Mountain Movie

People always ask me when my books are going to be made into movies. I don’t know, of course. But Bell Mountain and its sequels would make terrific movies, and I’d like to make them as soon as I can round up the right actors. My casting director has already made the following recommendations.

Claude Rains as the arch-villain, Lord Reesh. He could do it standing on his head, and even better, standing on his feet.

Max Von Sydow as Obst, the hermit-turned-missionary. I’ve always seen him in that part.

Steve McQueen as the conflicted assassin, Martis. He’d have to dye his hair, but it’d be worth it. McQueen has a kind of edgy, vulnerable quality that’d be just right. If he doesn’t want the role, I’ll offer it to Mel Gibson.

Toshiro Mifune as the horse-lord, Szegetai. No one else!

John Wayne as the wild man, Helki. Maybe that sounds a bit odd to you, but I’m convinced the Duke could do it.

Derek Jacobi as Prester Orth. You’ll all see the wisdom of this pick after The Fugitive Prince is published. Trust me, it’s a plum role.

I haven’t cast the youngsters yet–Jack and Ellayne, King Ryons, Queen Gurun, and the eccentric little mimic from The Fugitive Prince, Fnaa. The best child actors are always just waiting to be discovered.

Admittedly there are some difficulties with this. Some of the actors haven’t been born yet, and some have passed on. But, hey–we don’t call it “fantasy” for nothing.

PS–Feel free to post any further suggestions as Comments. Anyone who proposes an actor or actress who actually winds up being used will receive a full credit at the Oscars.

Happy Anniversary, Lee & Pat (That’s Us!)

Ach du lieber! I almost forgot to mention that today is my and Patty’s 35th wedding anniversary. We went to IHOP for breakfast and discovered we weren’t used to eating that much food, that early in the day. I’m just starting to wake up now, after 4 p.m.

Not wanting a big wedding, with every Tom, Dick, and Harry trying to horn in on it, and bundles of money going up in smoke, we eloped to Elkton, MD, for the weekend. When I told my kindly boss at the time that I would need Monday off to get married, he said, “Can’t you do that on your vacation?” I don’t work for him anymore.

So we went fishing, and had crabcakes, and steamed crabs and beer, and on Monday we were married in the Little Wedding Chapel. We went back the next year and visited the Aberdeen Proving Ground, where Patty posed for pix in the command turret of an old Russian SU-76 assault gun and we roasted our kiesters off. Actually, she looked pretty good up there on the tank. But she looks pretty good on the ground, too.

If we hadn’t married, I don’t think any of my books would have been written, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, and I probably would have wound up disgracing myself in some disgusting way. A good marriage is indispensable!

Kiwis, Ahoy!

Somehow this blog keeps track of the home countries of its visitors, and displays them for me on a map. This is very cool.

Yesterday, I was astonished to learn that I had 10 views from New Zealand. Now how did that happen? Am I catching on in New Zealand? (Judging by the sales figures for my books, I am not catching on anywhere.) Are there really ten people in faraway New Zealand who even know I exist?

Well, in case any of y’all come back, here’s a shout-out: “Kiwis, ahoy!” I’ve never been to your beautiful country, but I was absolutely fascinated by moas and tuataras before I was three feet tall, and I still am. Fascinated by moas and tuataras, that is–I’m not three feet tall anymore.

Now let’s see if anybody shouts back…

Would You Kill Yourself if a Celebrity Told You To?

What do you suppose people would do, if they turned on the TV and saw something like this?

“Hi. I’m George Clooney/Cheryl Crowe/Rosie O’Donnell/Barabbas [plug in the celebrity of your choice], and I need to talk to you about a very serious issue…

“Scientists tell us that human population levels are not sustainable: that, unless we “build down” the population before it’s too late, everyone in the world is going to suffer horribly–from starvation, from disease, from war…

“So we’re looking for unselfish persons–maybe someone like you–who will take the first step… The new Adios! pill from [plug in your favorite “green” company] is guaranteed to give you a quick and painless exit from this overcrowded world. Best of all, it’s absolutely free!

“For a sustainable, green tomorrow for your children and grandchildren, why not say ‘Adios!’ today?…”

How many people do you think would take the Adios! pill?

Yes, I know–I’m a fantasy writer, and I’ve just created another fantasy. It’s just for fun, right?

But what do you think would happen if they really tried this stunt?

An Utterly Shameless Appeal

I’m told it’s very bad form for an author to plead with the public to buy his books. But is it just as bad to implore people to get their family, friends, neighbors, and casual acquaintances to buy them? Yeah, probably…

But I am also told that I must be my own publicist–rather like taking out my own appendix. I have neither the knowledge nor the talent for this role.

Look, if you’re already among the few, the proud who have bought these fershlugginer things, you are excused from reading this–although I would greatly appreciate it if you somehow compelled others to buy. But for those of you who hang around here and haven’t yet obtained any copies of my books–hey! Come on! Don’t you realize you’re allowing me to be outsold by all sorts of dreck about teenage vampires and witches and necromancers, etc.? Aren’t you ashamed of that?

This is Lee the Publicist talking, not Lee the Writer. Lee the Publicist is something of an idiot. Lee the Writer stands utterly aloof from this shameless appeal for sales. It’s all the Publicist’s doing. Honest!

But if by some unlikely chance it works… well, then I’ll take credit for it.

 

Just For Fun: Courtroom Clangers

KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by  court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:     I forget..

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do..

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.