Byron’s TV Listings, Aug. 13

CTVA - US TV Listings - 1974

G’day, g’day! Time for weekend TV from Quokka University. I’m Byron the Quokka, and oh! oh! oh, the shows we have lined up for you! Someday you’ll thank us (we take checks). Here’s a sample of our menu:

7:48 P.M.  Ch. 08  BACKWARDS NEWS–News game

Can you untangle the news–when you’ve only heard it backwards, and in a foreign language? Join hostess Bimbi Hoople as celebrity guests Chuck Connors and Erica Jong try to decipher this gibberish–and the studio audience can’t go home until they do it! Watch those tempers burn like fuses!

8 P.M.  Ch. 12  THE McGUFFIN GROUP–Current events

Some of the most ignorant people in Los Angeles, lured into the studio by promises of–well, we don’t want to get into that–debate key social and political issues which they never heard of until just now. “Best in Show” gets an anchor’s job at CNN! Host: Jimmy Fraud. Color Commentary: An old wind-up bank that wheezes “Heh-heh-hee, a penny saved is a penny earned!”

Ch. 15  SHOOT IF YOU MUST–Wartime drama/Science fiction

Sgt. Twinkle (Cat Stevens) and his Howling Commandos are secretly transported to the planet Winky to battle an out-of-control bartender (Red Buttons). Pvt. Sunshine: Jesse Ventura. Grannie: Irene Ryan. Featured song, “Thom McCann Has Enviable Shoes For Your Feet.”

8:30 P.M.  Ch. 33  HOOK, LINE, AND SINK HER–Fishing

Never mind about baiting the hooks! Can Sunfish “Ed” Fong get all the June Taylor Dancers into his rowboat? And once he does, will they keep dancing? Meanwhile we’re supposed to be learning how to fish for compliments…

9 P.M.  Ch. 57  MOVIE–Greek mythology/Crime drama

Inspired by the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Hercules Goes to New York, “Dog My Cats” (Chilean, 1994; 6 hours) pits hard-boiled private eye Sammy Egg (Cesar Geronimo) against a syndicate of ancient Greek gods intent on taking over Hamble City, Iowa. Zeus: William Shatner. Hera: Phyllis Diller. Colony of Fire Ants: Themselves.

Well, you can’t beat that, can you! I saw that movie with the ants, once: they were the only ones who knew their lines.

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(How did I ever get into this?) Byron the Quokka, signing off!


A Few Products That Didn’t Quite Make It

Image result for images of ant farm

I know it’s too early to be talking Christmas shopping. But there are always birthdays, anniversaries, and other occasions for buying presents for your loved ones.

Here are a few gift ideas that never really caught on.

The Fire Ant Farm. This was just like a regular ant farm, only with ferocious and painfully-stinging fire ants. It was supposed to make the owner look cool. They had to take it off the market because the ants kept getting out and raising hell.

A Special Beer Stein for Weight-Lifters had a 20-pound weight fixed to the bottom so that every time you took a swig of beer, you got your exercise. I’m not sure how this product came to fail. I think it was because sometimes bad things happened if you chanced to drop it.

Toothpaste Sandwich Cookies. If you were afraid that Oreos, for instance, would cause you to develop cavities, replacing the vanilla cream filling with a popular brand of toothpaste was supposed to allow you to enjoy your snack while at the same time passively brushing your teeth. Alas, the taste and the digestion became issues.

Sticky-Soled Shoes. The idea behind these was to let you pick up and remove dirt, dust, and pet hairs from your carpet without having to vacuum. Just walk around as usual, and at the end of the day, simply remove the detritus from the bottoms of your shoes. I am sorry to say they made these shoes way, way, way too sticky, with unfortunate results (including injury to the wearer when he tried to take a step but the shoe wouldn’t budge). Sort of like the classic practical joke of gluing someone’s flip-flops to the floor. Worse, some ill-advised customers attempted to use Sticky Shoes as a way to climb up walls, again resulting in injury.

So there you have it. These products aren’t on the market anymore, but there are probably others just as bad. Let the buyer beware.