Baby Sloths Galore

Everyone loves baby sloths, right? But what about those great hooked claws? Aren’t they dangerous?

Well, we don’t have any figures for humans attacked by sloths, so it’s best to see the claws as natural coat hangers, with the sloth itself as the coat.

False Fact: Perry Mason had a pet sloth named Buddy.

The Attack of the Baby Sloths

THIS JUST IN: Ruthlessly wielding high-impact charges of irresistible cuteness, baby sloths have driven an entire Bigfoot population (Bigfeets? doesn’t sound quite right…) out of the rain forests of Costa Rica. Authorities have warned human tourists, “Don’t be there when they make those cozy wah-wah sounds–that’s how they get you.”

A Cozy Baby Sloth

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We really must get going if we want to be in time for Christmas dinner; but my wife would never forgive me if I postponed putting up this picture of a baby sloth, and then couldn’t find it again. So here it is now. Patty’s crazy about baby sloths.

Did you know they were quite so little? No bigger than the average teddy bear.

Oooooh, fap! Getting late! Merry Christmas, and see you all later.

How to Rear a Baby Sloth

I know you’re out there–people who fall in love with baby sloths every time they see one in a video.

Well, the only thing for it is to get a job as a sloth keeper. For that you generally need a zoo: can’t walk into just any kind of place and ask ’em if they need a sloth keeper. Try that at Wal-Mart and see where it gets you.

It’d be nice to snuggle one of these little fellows, though…

Charming Sloths

It would be hard to imagine an animal more benign, more unthreatening, than a sloth. And even if they wanted to do you harm, they’d never be able to catch you.

If you aren’t able to count the claws, it’s still easy to tell the difference between the three-toed sloth and the two-toed sloth. The three-toed has a white mask around its eyes, and the two-toed doesn’t. Much easier to remember than “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle.”

How to Bathe a… Sloth

If you’re one of many people thinking of opening a sloth grooming parlor, pay especially close attention to this video. Note that the little guy’s patience wears rather thin if he’s not allowed to cling to his stuffed toy. This can be avoided by getting the stuffed toy soaking wet and not washing or drying those parts of the sloth that were pressed tightly to the toy. Be sure to invent some convincing lies to tell dissatisfied customers.

When Sloths Attack

This is a sneak preview of When Sloths Attack. See the ferocious creatures descend from the trees to chase hapless college students who picked entirely the wrong place to camp for the weekend! And the sloths’ll catch ’em, too, because they’re like totally stoned and also out of shape. After that… Well, you’ll find out why the one sloth is smiling.

Bringing Up Baby Sloths

All you people out there who want to hug baby sloths… I guess you’ll have to become zoologists and get a grant to study in Costa Rica. But here at least you can see the babies are small enough to let chairs and rocking chairs serve them as trees. “Hey, wait a minute! We have chairs! If we can only get a baby sloth or two…”

Baby Sloth Time!

This is Edward, a baby two-toed sloth, and it’s feeding time.

There was a great 19th-century chess master, Elijah Williams, who was nicknamed “the Bristol Sloth,” but probably not because he was such a cute baby. Someone calculated that Williams, on the average, took two-and-a-half hours to make a single move.

Even Edward can probably beat that.

Bonus Critter Video: Baby Sloths

My wife thinks baby sloths are just about the sweetest critters on earth, and has always wanted to have one for a pet. I think New Jersey might be a bit too chilly for them, but we can dream, can’t we? So video is maybe the next best thing.