From January 10, 2020
THIS JUST IN: Ruthlessly wielding high-impact charges of irresistible cuteness, baby sloths have driven an entire Bigfoot population (Bigfeets? doesn’t sound quite right…) out of the rain forests of Costa Rica. Authorities have warned human tourists, “Don’t be there when they make those cozy wah-wah sounds–that’s how they get you.”
Did you think sloths were quiet? The people at the Sloth Sanctuary could tell you more. But we do have here a baby sloth sounding off as he learns to navigate his monkey bars. (Well, that’s what we called ’em on our playground…)
Admit it–most of you have wondered about this for years and years.
I don’t think she likes the bath, but her little threat displays don’t seem to have much of an effect. Maybe if more people were caught and mauled by sloths, the threats would be taken more seriously.
What were the baby sloth’s first words? I won’t keep you in suspense. The baby sloth’s first words were “Aaaah!” And “Aaaah!”
All right, they’re not William Jennings Bryan and Winston Churchill. But you’ll have to admit they’re a lot cuter. And cuddlier.
You can’t be afraid of baby tree sloths–just can’t! You’d have to be astonishingly insecure to worry about being chased by one of them.
I’d like to know, though, what their vocalizations mean. Exertion? “Hey, wait for me!” Yeah–I think it’s gotta be the latter.
How would you like this job–teaching a baby sloth how to climb? Mama Sloth needed some help in that department, and the sloth sanctuary was there to provide it.
You’d think climbing would come naturally to sloths; but then seals need to be taught how to swim, and a dog will never figure out by himself how to play poker.
Everyone loves baby sloths, right? But what about those great hooked claws? Aren’t they dangerous?
Well, we don’t have any figures for humans attacked by sloths, so it’s best to see the claws as natural coat hangers, with the sloth itself as the coat.
False Fact: Perry Mason had a pet sloth named Buddy.
We really must get going if we want to be in time for Christmas dinner; but my wife would never forgive me if I postponed putting up this picture of a baby sloth, and then couldn’t find it again. So here it is now. Patty’s crazy about baby sloths.
Did you know they were quite so little? No bigger than the average teddy bear.
Oooooh, fap! Getting late! Merry Christmas, and see you all later.
I know you’re out there–people who fall in love with baby sloths every time they see one in a video.
Well, the only thing for it is to get a job as a sloth keeper. For that you generally need a zoo: can’t walk into just any kind of place and ask ’em if they need a sloth keeper. Try that at Wal-Mart and see where it gets you.
It’d be nice to snuggle one of these little fellows, though…
It would be hard to imagine an animal more benign, more unthreatening, than a sloth. And even if they wanted to do you harm, they’d never be able to catch you.
If you aren’t able to count the claws, it’s still easy to tell the difference between the three-toed sloth and the two-toed sloth. The three-toed has a white mask around its eyes, and the two-toed doesn’t. Much easier to remember than “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle.”