Cretan Linear A – Lee Duigon

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

To all of you who faithfully followed our advice and “stayed tuned” to see what Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, would do by way of advancing her plot–

And then never saw a blessed thing along those lines, nothing freakin’ happened–

We can only offer the most abject apology. We have a good mind to drop her from the program. “Suspense” should mean more than just not getting on with the story! If Perry Mason ever did half the stupid stuff The Queen of Suspense does, he’d be off the air before you could say Huatzachachimutzin.

It’s no good asking us poor editors what happened. We haven’t seen the updated manuscript. Last we heard, Lord Jeremy had a 20-pound accordion, the June Taylor Dancers were loose in the woods (without being–ahem!–“loose women”), and Mr. Pudding was girding his newts for battle.

It’s all in Ms. Crepuscular’s notebook–which is written in Cretan Linear A hieroglyphs and no one can read it. I’ll bet even she can’t read it.

The long and the short of it is, we’re still waiting for Chapter DCCXLIV of that national treasure of a romance novel, Oy, Rodney, we’re every bit as frustrated as you are, and for two cents I’d give up this job and take up alligator wrestling.

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

See what I mean? What are we supposed to do with that?

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

We are offered a rare glimpse into the creative mind at work, thanks to a notebook carelessly left on a windowsill by Violet Crepuscular, The Queen Of Suspense.

With the June Taylor Dancers, from the 1950s, lurking in the woods around Scurveyshire in the 1850s, what role will Lord Jeremy Coldsore’s 20-pound accordion play in saving the town? And don’t forget Mr. Pudding and his newts! A reader in Pastiche Grove, Michigan, forgot… and a giant spider got her.

The notebook, written in Cretan Linear A, provides tantalizing sketches of the June Taylor Dancers warding off the attacking newts while a bearded man with strange anatomical features (two left hands, for instance) plays a large accordion.

“Over the past 70 years,” she writes, reverting to English for the nonce, “I have found Cretan Linear B superior to the Indus Valley Script when it comes to keeping notes. And either one will drive would-be plagiarists crazy! Go ahead, sucker–plagiarize this!”

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy