Perry Mason – Lee Duigon

Oy Rodney – Lee Duigon

To all of you who faithfully followed our advice and “stayed tuned” to see what Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense, would do by way of advancing her plot–

And then never saw a blessed thing along those lines, nothing freakin’ happened–

We can only offer the most abject apology. We have a good mind to drop her from the program. “Suspense” should mean more than just not getting on with the story! If Perry Mason ever did half the stupid stuff The Queen of Suspense does, he’d be off the air before you could say Huatzachachimutzin.

It’s no good asking us poor editors what happened. We haven’t seen the updated manuscript. Last we heard, Lord Jeremy had a 20-pound accordion, the June Taylor Dancers were loose in the woods (without being–ahem!–“loose women”), and Mr. Pudding was girding his newts for battle.

It’s all in Ms. Crepuscular’s notebook–which is written in Cretan Linear A hieroglyphs and no one can read it. I’ll bet even she can’t read it.

The long and the short of it is, we’re still waiting for Chapter DCCXLIV of that national treasure of a romance novel, Oy, Rodney, we’re every bit as frustrated as you are, and for two cents I’d give up this job and take up alligator wrestling.

Cretan script linear hi-res stock photography and images - Alamy

See what I mean? What are we supposed to do with that?

TV When I was Born: Perry Mason

Note: I don’t want to cover the nooze today, on our anniversary. But some stories just can’t be left alone. Like this one.

Bad enough your mother names you “Caliban.” Bad enough you’re hypersensitive about your height and everybody therefor calls you “Shorty,” just to wind you up. But for Caliban “Shorty” Frantageous, the real hardship was not being able to live out his dream.

I have this story from an informed source.

Frantageous’ dream was to be a hot-shot lawyer trying a high-profile criminal case, with the whole world watching–and winning it, hands down. He wound up on a series of loading docks instead; and as his 60th birthday dawned, it came to him that now he was too old to go to law school. His dream had slipped through his fingers forever. He would never be called a real-life Perry Mason.

Ah! Mr. Frantageous is resourceful. What if he were to commit a high-profile, serious–even monstrous–crime, and then insist on his right to conduct his own defense? What if he got himself off?

This is how he came to rob the laundromat at the Sunnydale nudist camp. The gory details of this disgusting crime will not be mentioned by me.

In due course the case came to trial–and Shorty Frantageous was ready. He dazzled the country with his self-taught lawyer’s footwork. His arguments left hostile witnesses speechless. And the climax of the case, when the probably entirely innocent pizza delivery man broke down in court and confessed that he’d done it–well, what was to compare with it? It was a dream come true.

I relate this story purely for your edification and enjoyment.