G’day, everybody! We’re back to our normal weekend slot, and here are some of the goodies we’ve lined up for you
7 P.M. Ch. 11 UNCLE FROGBERT–Children’s programming
Program your kids to make a more sustainable world by eating bugs! They’ll want to be like Uncle Frogbert (Prince Harry), who snaps up every insect that crosses his path. Tonight’s guest: The ghost of someone who is still alive! Stay tuned to find out who it is.
Ch. 14 SCHMEGEGGE NEWS–News & commentary
Someone has to cover the dumbest, silliest, least important stories of the day! “And it might as well be us,” says anchor Oviraptor Stephanopoulos (George’s younger brother, who only just finished high school this year–at the age of 36). Tonight: Child can’t play hopscotch because she lost her chalk; dig for Carthaginian artifacts in New Zealand comes up empty.
7:30 P.M. Ch. 31 Hi Dive!!–Life-or-death game show
If the pool isn’t full of water, that contestant is in trouble! Hosts Rosie O’Donnell and Dick Cavett introduce condemned criminals with this their only hope of escaping execution! Lots of water, you get a pardon. Not enough water in the pool–splat! Sponsored by Smogg Bros. tomato sauce.
8 P.M. Ch. 46 MOVIE–Caters to the truly desperate
In “Stop Me Before I Pee Again!” an epidemic of urinary tract infections eviscerates (?) the Lost City of Skimby, Indiana (Serbo-Haitian, 1997). Can Dr. Krupke (Ross Perot) and Mayor Yiggle (Joan Collins) find and administrate a cure before everybody dies? Song: “I Dassn’t Sit Down,” by the Bashi-Bazooks.
Ch. 61 LAWRENCE WHELK–Music, variety: all underwater
The only band conducted by a large mollusc, and performing exclusively underwater because they can’t breathe on land, Lawrence Whelk’s Musical Molluscs have been a hit from the Caribbeans to the Sea of Okhotsk. Tonight’s featured soloist: Arby the 1,200-pound sunfish belts out a medley of cowboy ballads.
Well, boys ‘n’ gals, if that doesn’t want to make you watch TV, I dunno what will!
Byron the Quokka, signing off