An Anniversary Memory

Young Man And Woman Fishing From Rowboat Smiling Side View High ...

Patty and I both dreaded the very idea of a circus wedding. At the newspaper where we both worked at the time, the photographer and his fiancee got involved in planning a great big splashy wedding–and as more and more people got into the act, the two newlyweds-to-be were fighting like Greeks and Trojans.

We didn’t want that, so we eloped. We went to Elkton, MD–sort of the elopement capital of the eastern U.S. in those days–and got married there.

What a lovely time we had! We did a lot of fishing on Chesapeake Bay. Platters of steamed crabs at the Howard Hotel, with Billy Bob’s Kung-fu School on the floor directly over our table. Crabcakes at Your Family Restaurant. Lovely little town, with polite and friendly people. A lot of them remembered us when we came back the next year.

We got married in The Little Wedding Chapel and then did some more fishing. No squabbling, no fighting, no new grudges formed and old ones rekindled, no eruption of money, nobody falling down drunk at the reception. I’ve been to weddings that came very close to breaking into fistfights. We avoided all that and are much the better for it.

All you really need for a wedding is a bride, a groom, someone to read the service–and God.

Tidying Up the Mess (‘Oy, Rodney’)

Image result for images of silly romance novels

Introducing Chapter CCCXLII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, which should have appeared last week but didn’t quite make it, Violet Crepuscular confides in her readers:

“Dear reader, I am thoroughly chagrined about the mess made here last week by that Byron the Quokka character! Really, I do not write this epic romance with any kind of marsupial audience in mind! I didn’t get where I am today, writing for marsupials. So here is a Chapter CCCXLII do-over.”

Having ruined her elopement by eloping to the wrong warehouse in the wrong town–in fact, this is the second time in her life that she has done this–Lady Margo Cargo, accompanied by her crusty old butler, Crusty, is alarmed by a series of blood-curdling moans issuing from behind a stack of Acme False Facts. But when Crusty pulls down the crates, they discover the Pottery sisters, Febrile and Facile, who make a habit of hiding in abandoned warehouses.

“It’s only the Pottery sisters, you silly old trout–Febrile and Facile,” Crusty exclaims. “What are you two doing here? This place is supposed to be deserted.”

“Please, sir and madam! We were only chewing gum,” explains Febrile. The twins are often mistaken for a pair of very large insects. This accounts for their attraction to abandoned warehouses.

“I was supposed to get married here tonight,” Lady Margo mutters, “but there’s no groom. I suppose we ought to go home.”

“Please, madam!” cries Facile. “Have a stick of gum first.” Over Crusty’s mean-spirited objection, Lady Margo accepts a stick of gum. It tastes horrible.

“By now,” interjects Ms. Crepuscular, “the reader is surely wondering what Lord Jeremy Coldsore, Mr. Twombley, and the vicar are doing at the other warehouse. That will be elucidated in the next chapter–without marsupials!”