G’day, earthlings! Byron the Quokka here, with another weekend of scrumptious TV viewing brought to you by Quokka University, where even a kangaroo can get a college degree. I hope you’ve got plenty of nice chewy leaves put by… for this:
7:30 P.M. Ch. 52 COLLIDGE BOLE–Game show for nincompoops
They couldn’t find any smart kids to remake the original “College Bowl,” so this will have to do. Host Jimmy Fraud asks teams of today’s college students questions that they have no hope of answering (“Who’s buried in Grant’s Tomb?” “Uh… Jupiter?”). First team to cry The Secret Buzzword (racism, sexism, white privilege: chosen at random each week) wins a master’s degree! With Yuan Shih-k’ai and his orchestra.
Ch. 61 HARRY PHOSPHATE–Mystery
The real mystery here is how this show ever got canceled! Detective Harry Phosphate (Oswald Spengler), assisted by the June Taylor Dancers, never fails to get bogged down in conversations about how he got such a weird last name. Half the time he forgets what he’s supposed to be investigating before the show is half over. This week: Harry fails to investigate the shooting of a police sergeant at his desk in the squad room in front of 30 eyewitnesses. Special guest star: Abdul Al-hazred.
7:38 P.M. Ch. 09 THE NEWS IN TONGUES–(Don’t ask)
How about if the nightly news were delivered in tongues? Former televangelist Mooshy Beef joins co-anchor Betty Woont in paroxysms of meaningless babble. Note: The “tongues” are not real languages. On the plus side, all the commercials are in tongues, too.
8 P.M. Ch. 19 MOVIE–Spy thriller with horseshoes
In “The Spy Who Never Spoke” (Austro-Hungarian, 1987), Marcel Marceau plays an Olympic skeet-shooting champion who, just after taking a vow of silence, witnesses an act of diabolical sabotage perpetrated by–wait for it–Bugs Bunny. How does Marceau keep the Reykjavik Exciting Products Super Mall from being blown up… when he’s never learned how to write? Lt. Sigfusson: Peter Lawford. Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies: Irene Ryan.
8:30 P.M. Ch. 44 ROOTIN’ TOOTIN’ SHOOTIN’–Western drama
What would classical Greek tragedies look like, if they were adapted as American TV Westerns? Watch out when Sheriff Oedipus Rex (Burgess Meredith) starts shooting–no one knows where those bullets might be headed! Better duck into Antigone’s Saloon. “The Trojan Women” dance there now. This week: The Minotaur is on the loose again–hiding out amid a herd of longhorns. Antigone: Phyllis Diller. Theseus: A trained koala named Ducky.
Well, there you have it–the merest sample of the unbridled pleasure that awaits you on QUTV this weekend. Go for it! Byron the Quokka, signing off.
