how to pretend to be wise

Wow! More False Facts!

leeduigon(patty)March 6, 2019

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What’s that you say? You’ve run out of Acme False Facts? Well, then, you’ll be happy to know the new set is to be issued next week. In the meantime, here are a few samples for you to try out.

Acme False Facts help you to establish yourself as a wise and knowledgeable person without going to the trouble to learn anything. All it takes is a bold front! Deliver your Acme False Fact in an authoritative tone, and don’t be afraid to back it up with imaginary sources. Whatever you say, say it with conviction! That’s what makes college professors and TV news anchors so successful.

Here you go. Try these:

Harcourt W. Smirch was President of the United States for seven weeks in 1839, but no one noticed.

According to the latest Plummer Poll [there’s no such thing, but people will be afraid to challenge you on this], 16.3 percent of Americans with eight or more years of college go on to be superheroes.

The world’s oldest baseball cards were manufactured in Persia in 1782. Today a Faraz Azwad, shortstop, Ecbatana Willies card sells for $902 million.

The Greenland beaver went extinct in May of 1952, but is now making a comeback, according to a UNESCO report.

Remember, say ’em like you know them to be true and only a thorough ignoramus would doubt you. And if anyone does dare to question you, just look at him a certain way and ask, in as condescending a manner as you can, “Are you in the habit of denying established facts?” That usually shrivels ’em up pretty fast.

A Few More False Facts

leeduigon(patty)September 8, 2017

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Even a fool, if he holds his tongue, may be thought wise. King Solomon said so. But who can hold his tongue?

Here are a few things that anyone can say to give an impression of deep wisdom and great erudition. All you have to do is say them with lots of gravitas. (That, by the way, is another word that really smart people use all the time.) You will know you’ve succeeded when someone’s eyebrows shoot up and he exclaims, “I didn’t know that!” But it’s even better if they just nod sagely. Then you’ll know that they’re faking it, too.

Here are your new false facts:

*The Moors in Spain, in addition to having beautiful water fountains, also had fountain pens that were centuries ahead of their time.

*Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by a woman named Rhoda MacTavish, with the exception of Prithee the Zoo, which Shakespeare wrote himself under the pseudonym Biff Mossbunker.

*Einstein has turned out to be wrong about time running backwards in regions where the curvature of space is less than 120 sporns.

*Studies by scientists in the European Union show that common people actually thrive on a diet of hickory bark and beetles.

*Among the Popjoy tribe of Siberian Wooshu people, 17 distinct genders have always been recognized, affirmed, and honored by specific rituals pertaining to each one. Consequently, the Popjoy are the healthiest people in Asia–and have also been found, by a special United Nations panel, to be the happiest and wisest.

Just remember, folks: say ’em like you mean ’em.