‘I Invent a New Kind of Fantasy’ (2015)

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Is anybody still writing “Grimdark”? That’s fantasy that’s, well, grim and dark and appeals to sophisticated morons.

But never mind–make way for Glumdark!

I Invent a New Kind of Fantasy

Inspired by Hallmark TV specials about really charming cool people dying of incurable diseases, every character in a Glumdark fantasy is… sad! And if it really works, the reader will be sorry, too!

Just don’t think for one minute that I’m gonna write it.

A Few More False Facts

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Even a fool, if he holds his tongue, may be thought wise. King Solomon said so. But who can hold his tongue?

Here are a few things that anyone can say to give an impression of deep wisdom and great erudition. All you have to do is say them with lots of gravitas. (That, by the way, is another word that really smart people use all the time.) You will know you’ve succeeded when someone’s eyebrows shoot up and he exclaims, “I didn’t know that!” But it’s even better if they just nod sagely. Then you’ll know that they’re faking it, too.

Here are your new false facts:

*The Moors in Spain, in addition to having beautiful water fountains, also had fountain pens that were centuries ahead of their time.

*Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by a woman named Rhoda MacTavish, with the exception of Prithee the Zoo, which Shakespeare wrote himself under the pseudonym Biff Mossbunker.

*Einstein has turned out to be wrong about time running backwards in regions where the curvature of space is less than 120 sporns.

*Studies by scientists in the European Union show that common people actually thrive on a diet of hickory bark and beetles.

*Among the Popjoy tribe of Siberian Wooshu people, 17 distinct genders have always been recognized, affirmed, and honored by specific rituals pertaining to each one. Consequently, the Popjoy are the healthiest people in Asia–and have also been found, by a special United Nations panel, to be the happiest and wisest.

Just remember, folks: say ’em like you mean ’em.