A Few More False Facts

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Even a fool, if he holds his tongue, may be thought wise. King Solomon said so. But who can hold his tongue?

Here are a few things that anyone can say to give an impression of deep wisdom and great erudition. All you have to do is say them with lots of gravitas. (That, by the way, is another word that really smart people use all the time.) You will know you’ve succeeded when someone’s eyebrows shoot up and he exclaims, “I didn’t know that!” But it’s even better if they just nod sagely. Then you’ll know that they’re faking it, too.

Here are your new false facts:

*The Moors in Spain, in addition to having beautiful water fountains, also had fountain pens that were centuries ahead of their time.

*Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by a woman named Rhoda MacTavish, with the exception of Prithee the Zoo, which Shakespeare wrote himself under the pseudonym Biff Mossbunker.

*Einstein has turned out to be wrong about time running backwards in regions where the curvature of space is less than 120 sporns.

*Studies by scientists in the European Union show that common people actually thrive on a diet of hickory bark and beetles.

*Among the Popjoy tribe of Siberian Wooshu people, 17 distinct genders have always been recognized, affirmed, and honored by specific rituals pertaining to each one. Consequently, the Popjoy are the healthiest people in Asia–and have also been found, by a special United Nations panel, to be the happiest and wisest.

Just remember, folks: say ’em like you mean ’em.

13 comments on “A Few More False Facts

  1. Hickory bark and beetles, huh. I wonder how that would mix with ice cream. It doesn’t matter that it’s true or not. It’s the selling of perception. Like those erection pills in the classifieds in Popular Mechanics decades ago (which were repackaged Hot Tamales).
    Now you might be wondering how I would even know that. Well, it’s not anything colorful; I had a buddy in the magazine biz years ago that did that and made thousands with his fakery.

    Land of opportunity.

    1. “Like those erection pills in the classifieds in Popular Mechanics decades ago (which were repackaged Hot Tamales).”

      I ate Hot Tamales like they were going out of style when I was in my teens. Maybe they are the secret of eternal youth. 🙂

  2. It’s hard to do parodies when the actual nonsense presented in the nooze is so bizarre. As to the next-to-last item, I’ve seen a number of “serious” articles about the benefits of eating bugs, and just this week there was a “news” item about the possible nutritional value to human infants of cockroach “milk,” i.e., the excretion that cockroaches feed their young. (Blechhhh.) And the last item? You don’t have to go beyond Margaret Mead for a similar hoax — and hers is still accepted as genuine, despite all the evidence to the contrary that’s been presented over the years.

    1. Margaret Mead had one put over on her. She was looking, in vain, for a social order where women were the pursuers and men were the ones pursued.

      As she was preparing to leave some small island she finally found what she was looking for. Some women, native to that island, explained how they pursued males and that males were always turning away from their advances. Mead believed every word and reported this as fact. She was so anxious to report this finding that she strayed from scientific method and did nothing whatsoever to verify what she had been told.

      Later on, other researchers visited that same island and interviewed the same group of women. The women were surprised that Mead had taken them seriously. They were having a bit of fun and saying something they knew was preposterous. The fact that Mead believed them reduced to one thing and one thing only, Mead WANTED to believe them. She was looking for a civilization where the roles of sexual aggressor were reversed and as soon as she saw some evidence of this, even though it was scant at best, she chose to believe what she had heard and she reported thusly.

      For a long time now, I have come to the realization that people tend to believe what they WANT to believe. If one believes that they deserve a windfall, they may choose to believe that they are destined to win a huge lottery payoff and will buy tickets they can’t afford trying to make their chosen belief happen, even though the odds are steeply against them. The sad thing is, many of these people are of modest means, at best, and would be much better off using that money for necessities. But they have chosen to believe that life owes them a win and with some subtle encouragement, such as an advertisement stating “you can’t win if you don’t play”, they will follow their chosen belief, even though they can’t afford it.

      People believe things which reinforce their conclusions about life. This is known as confirmation bias. If they feel guilty about consuming, fearing that they are destroying the earth, they might take a strange comfort in the notion of eating insects. Most, will never act upon that, but I could affect their choices with regard to political support.

    2. This is just another way our rulers try to erode our self-respect and make us more manageable. Who’s going to stand up for his rights after he’s been chowing down on mealworms for a while?

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