Our Next Attorney General

Wallace Beery as Long John Silver Treasure Island

Have I got a scoop for you!

With AG William “Kill the Clock” Barr moving on to greener pastures, our country’s next attorney general, according to a thoroughly unreliable source, will be the famous pirate, Long John Silver–whose motto, ”
Dead men don’t bite,” will usher in a whole new approach to American law.

The fact that Long John is a criminal will never count against him–“He’ll fit right in,” according to the Biden team–and the fact that he is a fictional character will count for even less.

“Fiction, schmiction!” exclaimed a well-known presidential adviser whose name I have forgotten already. “Didn’t you see that last election? The whole business is based on fiction!”

“Long John is a great believer in being smart–‘smart as paint,’ he likes to say,” said another prominent Democrat. “He will never let the Constitution get in the way of being smart. His whole career proves that! He’ll do anything that needs doing, if that’s what it takes to push through our agenda.”

A last-minute deal is being hammered out to make Long John’s parrot the next director of the FBI.

Do They Have to Wreck ‘Treasure Island’?

Wallace Beery as Long John Silver in 1934–still the best!

One of our favorite movies is Treasure Island, the 1934 version with Wallace Beery as Long John Silver and Jackie Cooper as Jim Hawkins.

But there are many movie versions of this story, and I thought Patty might enjoy receiving one for Christmas. So I looked at all the versions that have been filmed since 1950.

Not even classic films and stories are safe from knuckleheads who want to fundamentally transform them.

In one version, Dr. Livesey is portrayed as a coward. In another, Squire Trelawney is a treacherous rogue. In yet another, the doctor and the squire get together to cut Jim out of his share of the treasure, forcing him to side with Long John and the pirates. In a fourth, everybody’s rotten.

I don’t propose to add any of these to our movie collection.

Well, it raises a question, doesn’t it?

Has our culture been so debauched, so corrupted, that no one can even tell a story anymore? Not even a story that has already been written? Are they unable to face themselves in the mirror unless they’ve taken a wonderful, straight, adventure story and transformed it into a post-modern gaggle of nasty characters who all belong in jail? Is this what convinces them that they’re sophisticated?

This age is no longer able to tell the difference between sophisticated and sophomoric.

Wallace Beery, you still da man.