Tag: ritual poking

Hellzapoppin! (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

“The hibernating rhinoceros awoke with vengeance in its heart.”

No author can do very wrong by opening a chapter, a story, or a novel with a sentence like that above, penned by Violet Crepuscular, The Queen of Suspense. She then wades into a lengthy introduction of Chapter DCXLIX of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney. (I must add that if Silas Marner had featured some sentences like that, I wouldn’t have been so averse to it in high school. A hibernating rhino would be a definite improvement.)

As it happens, Scurveyshire’s hibernating rhinoceros has indeed awakened, and torn its cocoon to shreds, and embarks on a rampage that detracts from Constable Chumley’s  investigation of a ritualistic poking ring that convenes in the back room of The Lying Tart. Alarmed by this sudden rush of events, Lord Jeremy Coldsore appoints Johnno the Merry Minstrel acting constable pro tem. They had to catch him first.

“I want that rampaging beast dealt with and that ritualized poking stopped!” says Lord Jeremy. “If you think you’re not up to the job… well, pretend! No one will know you’re only pretending to enforce the law.”

Johnno is not sure there is a law against ritual poking.

As for the rhinoceros, an ear-splitting bellow from behind the barn suggests a clear and present danger…

And she stops there??? That’s not “suspense”! That’s just shilly-shallying! I’m not even sure a rhino can bellow. Has she ever heard one?

The Poking Scandal (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Still in a lather over those smart-aleck comments from a reader in Kunjo Korners, Kansas, Violet Crepuscular, “the Queen of Suspense,” introducing Chapter DCXLV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, loses the thread of the sentence and has to start over.

“I am introducing Chapter DCXLV of my epic romance, Oh, Rodney,” she writes, “but I am sorely tempted to roust my friend and neighbor, Mr. Pitfall, out of the Intensive Care Unit so he can drive me out to Kunjo Korners to settle with that so-called reader! She thinks poking, being poked, is nothing? Wait’ll I poke her one!”

Somewhere in the novel, Constable Chumley has gone undercover to investigate reports of ritual poking in the back room of The Lying Tart. It is necessary to wear a disguise. This week he is disguised as a deep-sea diver. With the helmet. He’ll need it if he ever tries to force his way into that back room.

“Yes, I know, I know!” Ms. Crepuscular writes. “I still have to write that rhino out of hibernation. I’ve also got to trim my hedge and take down my Halloween decorations before it’s time to put them up again. I’ll get to it! Stop bugging me!”

By Popular Demand, ‘Oy, Rodney’

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

Violet Crepuscular, the Queen of Suspense, addresses her colossal fan base… leaving the editor wondering what happened to Chapter DCXLIV of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney.

“I know, I know, I promised to investigate the ritual poking in the back room at The Lying Tart,” she writes. “But first we must ask WHY my latest installment did not appear on Sunday. I don’t buy those ‘Computer failed me!’ stories.” Sorry, but those are the excuses that we have. There are no others.

Ms Crepuscular admits that ritual poking is of serious concern, hence Constable Chumley’s presence at the scene. “He has had to go undercover,” she writes. “The patrons at The Tart think he’s a ghost and give him a wide berth. From time to time he hears sounds of poking emanating from the back room. So naturally he asks the landlord: ‘Yeerth, mon, gweel me threeds?’ You can easily imagine the reaction he gets for that!”

Ms. Crepuscular is also trying to cope with an insolent reader from Kunjo Korners, Kansas. “Dear Ms. Crepuscular,” this person says, “does ‘suspense’ means ‘nothing freakin’ happens’? Can’t we have a tidal wave, a civil war, a passionate affair–something? Anything? It’s gotta be better than a super-volcano that just burps once and then dies!”

Having read this completely unfair criticism, Ms. Crepuscular has retired to her bed with a tin of toothpaste brownies.

The Private Life of Violet Crepuscular (‘Oy, Rodney’)

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a gripping page-turner headed for the top of the NY Times bestseller list | Romance novels, Funny romance, Book parody

“My private, personal life,” writes Violet Crepuscular, preparing to burrow into Chapter DCXLIII of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, “is almost as passionate and exciting as the lives of my various characters in my epic romance, Oy, Rodney.” [Editorial comment: Oh, do shut up!]

“Even as I plotted the eruption of Mt. Scurveyshire,” she continues, despite protests, “I was being courted by my neighbor Mr. Pitfall’s evil but incredibly dashing cousin, Mr. Stinky. He is on leave from somewhere. He read my latest chapter and immediately proposed marriage to me!” [“Honestly, your honor, I had no idea how absolutely awful this book would be before I published some of it…”]

Ms. Crepuscular continues, rather like a tank rolling over weakly-defended trenches: “At this point I was considering having the hibernating rhino wake up and run amok; but in order to keep the suspense going, I’ve put it off. Instead, we are going to go to The Lying Tart and see what that ritual poking business is about.” For a more detailed explanation, she turns to Constable Chumley.

“Fthairvin, yodz, I habna raickle shifft!” “No one says it better!” chimes in Ms. Crepuscular. “Is that suspense, or what!”

We are unable to confirm or refute a rumor that William Shatner has agreed to reprise his old Star Trek role, Captain Kirk, if they ever make a movie out of Oy, Rodney. Johnno the Merry Minstrel says it’s a sure thing… but who can believe a fictional character?