the last battle – Lee Duigon

Hundreds of writers have tried to imitate C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia. This is the latest effort.

The “Earth Priestess,” as you may have guessed, is really the White Witch, come back to Narnia to liberate its oppressed minorities from the religious hegemony of Aslan, the Lion. The book is to be published by the Democrat National Committee.

“If you can’t beat ’em, cheat ’em,” said DNC factotum Bill Z. Bubb. He neither confirms nor denies that the author, “Iso Smart,” is cover for the writing team of Al Gore, Chelsea Clinton, and a couple of space aliens.

In this Chronicle, the White Witch overthrows Aslan by exposing him as a transphobic, Islamophobic, micro-aggressing biggit, and the Minority Peoples of Narnia rise up and banish him to the wild wastes of Flyover Country. There is much about this edition of the White Witch that strongly resembles Hillary Clinton: like, for instance, the power her voice has to etch glass.

Mr. Gore was asked how he found the time and inspiration to write a fantasy (if indeed he did write this), when he’s been so busy with the release of his other fantasy–oops, sorry: I mean his non-fiction book–It Would Be Just So Cool to Take All Our Orders from Brussels, co-authored with John Kerry. “I’ve always wanted to improve on Narnia,” he said, “especially in regard to Saving the Planet and promoting feminism and alternative families. I’ve always felt the White Witch–and of course she’s not a witch, that’s just a label that biggits throw around–was the most admirable character in all those books. She represents the female spirituality of The Planet, with Social Justice for all.”

Mind-numbingly creative, The Earth Priestess Brings Social Justice to the Workers comes up with truly unexpected twists–like Dwarf Lives Matter, making the Marsh-Wiggles pay their fair share of taxes, and forcing Centaurs to perform gender re-assignment surgery, to name a few.

Lewis’ Pevensey children having all died in his last Narnia Chronicle, The Last Battle, The Earth Priestess introduces a new group of children from our world–Shawonka, Hussein, Wu Wei Shu, and Glyptodonna, whose two dads are busy campaigning for More Gay Rights. “We explore what American families will look like after one more of our people serves as president,” says Bill Z. Bubb.

All proceeds from the sale of The Earth Priestess Brings Social Justice to the Workers will go to the Clinton Foundation.

Tom Baker as Puddleglum in the classic BBC production of The Silver Chair… One of my favorite Narnians

I still get comments from Christians who think The Chronicles of Narnia are rubbish and their author, C.S. Lewis, just two shades short of being an out-and-out pagan.

Well, his friend, J.R.R. Tolkien, warned him: put all those fauns and centaurs and river gods in Narnia–and Bacchus, of all things!–and readers are going to think there’s something not quite right about your Christianity. Worse, in the Narnia finale, The Last Battle, he has the old Professor say, “It’s all in Plato!” I love these books, but that line makes me cringe.

Nevertheless, I am here to plead with Narnia-knockers–please, give the man a break! He was an academic, surrounded by other academics along with college students. He could have just as easily wound up worshiping a box of rubber bands. That he had any Christianity at all is cause for celebration.

There is Christian gold in Narnia. It’s not hard to find. If you don’t care for it, only a fool tries to convince someone that he ought to like something that he doesn’t like. But at least grant me this:

For a man who started out as an atheist and was a college professor for most of his life, old “Jack” Lewis did just fine.