Walt Disney’s Pinocchio

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In 1883 Carlo Collodi published The Adventures of Pinocchio, the tell-all book sensation which, in Chapter Four, described Pinocchio’s murder of his well-intentioned mentor, the “Talking-cricket”–better known by the name Disney gave him: Jiminy Cricket.

Eyewitless News has tracked down the real Pinocchio, Mr. Vincenzo Anthony Pinocchio of The Bronx, NY. Did this man, who still occasionally reverts to being a wooden puppet, murder a beloved cultural icon?

As Collodi told it, Pinocchio, unable to tolerate any more of the cricket’s good advice, snatched up a wooden hammer and threw it, striking his victim in the head and killing him, “and then he remained dried up and flattened against the wall.”

“Collodi put that in and Disney took it out, because it wasn’t true,” Mr. Pinocchio told crack investigator Harry Hootch. “I never hurt Jiminy Cricket. He died of old age in 1908.”

The Eyewitless News team went to the village in Italy where Carlo Collodi first heard the story of Pinocchio. And there the official records tell another story.

A cricket, not named, was found dead in the home of Pinocchio and the old wood-carver, Gepetto, in 1879. Police judged the death suspicious, and brought the body to the morgue. There something unexpected happened.

As summarized in the official report, the coroner “then threw a tantrum, he started banging his fist all over, and yelling, ‘I will not do no autopsy on no _______ing insect!’ The body of the victim lay untouched in the morgue for two days and nights, and then disappeared. Asked to explain this disappearance, the coroner would only say, ‘Talk to the _____ing janitor.'”

According to our trusted sources, Walt Disney personally intervened to cover up the murder of Jiminy Cricket by Pinocchio. And for going on 70 years, that cover-up has been successful.

UP NEXT: Hillary Clinton is innocent!

The crack investigative team at Stunata News Service has stopped investigating cracks and pulled off the journalistic coup of the millenium.

They have tracked down the real Pinocchio!

“Everybody thinks Pinocchio is a kids’ story, a Disney cartoon,” said cracked reporter Harry Hootch, “but Mr. Pinocchio was–and is!–a real person!”

The famous wooden puppet who was magically turned into a flesh-and-blood boy has, for the past 67 years, been living as Mr. Vincenzo Anthony Pinocchio at Apt. 3-H in a tenement in The Bronx, New York. Mr. Hootch and his Eyewitless News team tracked him down last week for an exclusive interview.

But wouldn’t Pinocchio now be almost 150 years old?

“He doesn’t age like we do,” said Mr. Hootch, who conducted the interview, along with a specialist to translate questions and answers into Esperanto. “It seems that from time to time the magic wears off, and then for a while he’s a wooden puppet again, until the Blue Fairy can turn him back into a human. During those times, of course, he doesn’t age at all.”

The Blue Fairy was not available for comment.

The videotaped interview with the real Pinocchio will be aired next Tuesday in Harry Hootch’s living room.

“Mr. Pinocchio says the thing that causes him to turn back into a puppet is Climate Change,” said the eminent journalist. “That’s what makes his nose grow, too. He used to think his nose got longer every time he told a lie, and that’s what they put in the Disney movie. But now he says it shoots out another inch or two whenever he tries to warn people about Climate Change.”

Up Next: Our crack investigative team investigates Carlo Collodi’s claim that Pinocchio murdered Jiminy Cricket. They will then go back to investigating cracks.