Our cracked investigative reporter George Steppanoplace has uncovered a major academic scandal.
At Happythought State University, part of the University of California system, Ph.D. candidates are required to undergo brain-removal surgery before they can be awarded a doctorate.
“Originally it was just for Ph.D.’s in Womens Studies, Queer Studies, Black Studies, Gender Studies, Social Justice Studies, Liberation Studies, and Environmental Justice Studies,” explained university president C. Babbington Gesundheit, Ph.D. “If you were going for a doctorate in Engineering or something like that, it was presumed you would need a brain, somewhere along the line.
“However, we have gotten rid of all those White Privilege degree programs, and now all of our students study only those liberating subjects what can learn them how to be interllecturals,” said Dr. Gesundheit.
George interviewed Dr. Medea Harmsworth, Ph. D. in Gender Studies, who has been without a brain for a full dozen years. “I never miss it,” she says. “In fact, I don’t even remember ever having had a brain.”
George also interviewed a graduate student, Tulip Pimplemeyer, who is working on his Ph.D. in Social Justice and says he’s looking forward to sporting a completely empty cranium. “I can, like, y’know, store stuff up there, once they take out my brain,” he said. “I am gonna ask them to cut off my whatsit while they’re at it, so I can transition into a woman.”
The U.S. Justice Dept., George discovered, has turned down “numerous” requests to intervene.
“There is no constitutional right to have a brain,” his report concludes. And, winking slyly at the camera, adds, “In fact, I had mine taken out years and years ago!”