Can Our Universities Be Saved? (Hint: No)

Che Guevara: The face that launched a thousand...

Pop the college balloon–don’t go.

I just read a piece in Chronicles, by Paul Gottfriend, entitled “The Difficult Task to ‘Dewoke’ American Universities” (, in which he and other academics try to imagine reforms that will get our universities back on the right track.

Dudes, you’re overthinking it. Big-time.

You are not going to get Far Left dindles to stop being Far Left dindles, and firing them all is out of the question. If you want the nation’s universities to stop being black holes of cultural and political Marxism…

Don’t go. And don’t send your kids there, either.

How badly does anybody need a degree in Superhero Studies? It would take all week just to list the ridiculous, useless, and very often intellectually stultifying nonsense trotted out as “education.” And college costs a lot. Some grads will spend the rest of their lives trying to pay off their student loans.

“Everybody has to go to college! You can’t get anywhere in life unless you go to college!”

This assumption is just plain wrong. If everybody goes to college, the whole business gets watered down, the universities bloat up with silly courses and meaningless, worthless degrees, and the effect is the same as having no college at all.

Don’t go. Earn money instead of wasting money. At the very least, you’ll be spared endless hours of getting nagged and bored by Che Guevara wannabes.

If America’s commitment to the colleges were to be cut back by 50%–or even more!–who would ever notice? Besides professors and administrators who suddenly had to look for honest work. I doubt they’d find it. But the rest of the country would get by just fine without them.

You don’t need a university to learn the things you need to learn. Stay in college long enough, and you might never learn them.


Colleges: Beginning of the End?

63 Graduation Worried Unemployment University Stock Photos, Pictures &  Royalty-Free Images - iStock

[Thanks to Susan for the nooze tip]

According to a survey by the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center, college enrollment, nationwide, is down 5% from 2020 (

(Not a dry eye in the house!)

Coincidentally–or maybe not so coincidentally–the same college degree you used to earn in four years now, for many students, takes six. That’s a 50% increase in your student loan debt, pilgrims.

Ah! But what are you getting for your money? The average yearly tuition is around $25,000. So that’s 100 Gs if you go for four years, and 150 if you’re in for six.

Yeahbut, yeahbut! A degree in Gender Studies! What’s that worth? Queer Fat Studies! Priceless. Superhero Studies!

Are you ready for frustration? Are you up for unemployment?

Well, they’re about a million students short this year. Are these smart enough not to come back? (Dude! You just saved yourself a hundred thousand bucks by dropping out of college!)

I can’t think of a single thing that hurts our country more than her so-called education system.

Looniversity Now Offers Degree in ‘Happiness Studies’

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A university in New Jersey–lived here all my life, and never heard of it–is now offering a degree program in “Happiness Studies” ( If you’ve got $17,500 to piss against the wall, you can get one! (A degree, that is; not a wall.)

Centenary University, in Hackettstown, has set up a “Happiness Studies” course directed by a “happiness expert.” The last one they hired committed suicide, or so I’ve heard.

This is brilliant. Because “Happiness Studies” is about nothing, and has no reason for existing, you can fit it in anywhere! I mean, what could it hurt, if your plumber had a degree in… happiness?

NOTE: Unfortunately, having a degree in “happiness” and actually being happy are two different things. I wonder how long it’ll take the students to find that out.

‘Exclusive! The 2021 SAT Tests!’ (2018)

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I had no way of knowing, when I wrote this satire just three years ago, that in 2021 a lot of major colleges and universities would simply discard the SATs and not use them anymore as a measure of anyone’s preparedness for college.

Exclusive! The 2021 SAT Tests!

They used to want to know if you were ready for college. But by now they’ve dumbed it down so much, a monkey is ready for college. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly smart monkey. The idea is to get everyone–yes, everyone–into some kind of college. Even if they have to offer free tuition! While at the same time paying out simply gorgeous salaries and pensions. And we will have 20 million nincompoops with degrees in Gender Studies.

‘A Millenial Want Ad’ (2016)

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Has anyone yet figured out what we’re going to do with tens of thousands of unemployed, unemployable college graduates with degrees in Nothing Studies and experience in rioting? Wait–tens of thousands? More like millions.

A Millenial Want Ad

I’ve actually hired and had to rely on recent college graduates. I could hardly believe how incapable they were. The average middle school kid would’ve been better. The high school kids I hired part-time were definitely better.

‘”Care Bears” for College Students’ (2017)

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These are supposed to be not children anymore, but young adults. College students. But it’s getting harder and harder to tell them apart from 5-year-olds.

‘Care Bears’ for College Students

Care Bears posters are supposed to help young adults (it only hurts when I laugh!) cope with the stresses of life. Like life as a good-for-nothing college student was anywhere near as stressful as holding down a job or raise a family, or both! Besides, haven’t they got Play-Doh and lollipops to get them through the day? I mean, how stressful can it be, getting a degree in Gender Studies?

‘Higher Education’ (LOL) Feeling the Pinch

Napkins 33x33 cm - Happy Puppies by Wimmel Napkins

The president of the University of Wisconsin has warned the schools in his system that times are going to be tough, financially, and advised them to concentrate on “signature programs worthy of preservation” ( This, of course, is all due to the coronavirus panic and the shutdown of our nation’s economy.

Hmm… Now what programs might those be? Women’s Studies? Transgender Poetry? Critical Race Theory? Superhero Studies? Advanced Crying?

Well, sez the prez, brace for layoffs and keep “basics” like math and English that undergraduates need, to get a diploma… “if we want the system to survive.”

They’re miffed at Wisconsin’s Republican legislature for not letting them raise the tuition, two years in a row–a measly $10,555 in-state, and $36,805 out-of-state–and they don’t know how they’re gonna keep the party going: gee, it costs money to offer all that Woke Stuff–Beyonce Studies, Lesbian Philately, blah-blah-blah. To say nothing of the remediation for all the stuff the kiddies should’ve learned in high school, but didn’t.

For the most part, America’s colleges and universities deserve to go broke, and the process should be hastened. The whole idea that “everybody has to go to college!” was never anything but nonsense. The whole thing needs to be pruned way back. We could probably erase 90% of our whole university system and suffer no ill effects from it.

Betcha anything we can do without it!

A Few Pesky Questions

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Back in the early Fifties, Froggy the Gremlin used to cut windbags down to size by interrupting them with pesky questions.

Here are a few questions that need to be asked today.

As they contribute to a solution to the Wuhan virus crisis by calling everyone a Racist who mentions that the Chinese flu actually originated in China–in a bio-warfare lab, no less–does our nooze media still serve any constructive purpose?

Is the idea that everyone has to go to college the most inane idea ever?

How well will America get by without a hundred universities awarding degrees in Gender Studies and other equally jejune pursuits?

Is it really such a hot idea to fight the virus by not enforcing the law and letting criminals plunder our cities at will? (Philadelphia’s all set to try it.)

Does the United Nations have any good reason for continuing to exist?

Do we really want our era of history remembered as the one that invented “transgender”?

And you can probably think of dozens more with no help from me.

‘Now You Can Get a Degree in Nothing’ (2016)

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It’s suicidal. Not only do we teach your people to hate their country; we also teach them to be stupid. And charge them a fortune for it!

Now You Can Get a Degree in Nothing

Today’s satire is tomorrow’s nooze.

Master’s Degree Poker

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Can these guys get me past the censor?

So Manny, Moe, Jack, and Osgood are playing poker, and Osgood draws three cards to make a full house, aces and queens. What a hand! He’s going to win big, because all the other guys are in on this pot, raising each other back and forth until Manny and Moe drop out and Jack makes one more raise–a big one. And Osgood doesn’t have the money to cover it.

Meanwhile you’re sitting in the back of the room reading what Rush Limbaugh had to say about the college admissions scandal (

“Well, Osgood, are you in or out?”

“Oh, I’m in!” says Osgood. “I’ll put up my master’s degree to cover the bet.”

“Your master’s degree? What’s that worth?”

“A lot! I’m still payin’ for it, twenty years later.”

“What’s it a degree in?”

Osgood’s chest swells with pride. “Superhero Studies, dude! From Humbug University.”

He places the diploma on top of the big pile of money in the center of the table.

“I’m out,” says Jack. “I can’t match that.”