One of America’s foremost Tarzan scholars, and chairman of a leading Tarzan Studies department, has been dismissed from his professorship at Watta State University–for declaring that Tarzan of the Apes was not a real person.
“It throws our whole Tarzan Studies program into an uproar,” said University President C. Whittington Schamm. “We don’t want students thinking their degrees in Tarzan Studies are worthless!”
In a controversial paper, Professor Harlow Tumbly argued that Tarzan could not possibly have been a real person.
“Take all them there lost cities he discovered in Africa,” said Dr. Tumbly. “Why, if he really was to go to each and every one of them, and do all them things the books say he done there, well, it would’ve taken him upwards of a hundred years to do it! No, it just ain’t possible!”
Dr. Tumbly was almost fired last year when he tried to get his students to read the actual Tarzan novels instead of comic books. “Them books are very different from the cartoons,” he said at the time. “I finally read some of them this summer, and they sure surprised me! I ain’t read no book in quite a long time, so these here came as a kind of revelation to me. I didn’t know they could put so many pages in a book.”
Having been stripped of his academic tenure, Dr. Tumbly now faces a trial by a students’ court on charges of Enlarged Microaggression. If convicted, he could be defenestrated.