Everything you need to know about fallen-world politics, you can learn from reading Tarzan books.
Big Ape Politics
Go ahead, I dare you–look at Congress, look at the appointed posts, and tell me it’s not about getting rich and sassy at the public’s expense. We are fallen–but do we really have to fall this far?
Who gets to run the show? Who gets the biggest percs? Whom does everybody else have to make like they respect?
The biggest ape, of course. Until a bigger, strong ape replaces him.
Edgar Rice Burroughs, you were a top-flight political scientist… and didn’t even know it.
Speaking of orgies of sexual harassment (https://leeduigon.com/2021/10/08/californias-state-legislature-a-tar-pit-of-sexual-harassment-2017/), and the fact that #MeToo went away when they kept finding big-name liberals chasing women into the rest rooms, I learned everything I needed to know about this aspect of politics from just two sources.
First was an account of Czar Peter the Great’s visit to London in 1698. They called it his “Grand Embassy.” The English government provided him and his entourage with a luxury townhouse, servants, and free everything.
And the czar and his entourage, who had apparently never sat on chairs before, wrecked the place. The Grand Embassy behaved like a rock band. They brought horses indoors to race them up and down the marble staircase. They strewed garbage everywhere.
Because they could. No one would dare tell them to stop.
Equally illuminating are Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan stories. In these, the biggest, strongest ape is king until another ape can kill him; and while he’s king, he gets to mate with any female he wants, he’s entitled to first choice of whatever food is going, and there’s no way to hold him accountable for anything he does. Reading these, I got to thinking, “Gee, that sure sounds familiar! Where have I see this before?”
Or rather, where have I not seen it?
That’s the politics of this world: do whatever you please for as long as you can get away with it. The Big Ape rules. That’s the politics of the City of Man.
We prefer the City of God.
One of America’s foremost Tarzan scholars, and chairman of a leading Tarzan Studies department, has been dismissed from his professorship at Watta State University–for declaring that Tarzan of the Apes was not a real person.
“It throws our whole Tarzan Studies program into an uproar,” said University President C. Whittington Schamm. “We don’t want students thinking their degrees in Tarzan Studies are worthless!”
In a controversial paper, Professor Harlow Tumbly argued that Tarzan could not possibly have been a real person.
“Take all them there lost cities he discovered in Africa,” said Dr. Tumbly. “Why, if he really was to go to each and every one of them, and do all them things the books say he done there, well, it would’ve taken him upwards of a hundred years to do it! No, it just ain’t possible!”
Dr. Tumbly was almost fired last year when he tried to get his students to read the actual Tarzan novels instead of comic books. “Them books are very different from the cartoons,” he said at the time. “I finally read some of them this summer, and they sure surprised me! I ain’t read no book in quite a long time, so these here came as a kind of revelation to me. I didn’t know they could put so many pages in a book.”
Having been stripped of his academic tenure, Dr. Tumbly now faces a trial by a students’ court on charges of Enlarged Microaggression. If convicted, he could be defenestrated.
Yestodday we has a Specile Semenar “for” our Gender Rolls clase It “was” al abuot Tarzan!! If yiu “are” ordrinary dum peple maybbe yiou Dont “know” abuot Tarzaan he was razed by Apes!!! in the junggle!
The guesst prefessor She toled “us” tarzzan He Was “a” reel person Even thohgh Russhan Hackers thay make yiu “think its” Only A movey but N-O-O, no! it Is The Trufth!!! Thare reely was Tarazan and “he” reely Did live With “the” grate Apes in Africka or else It was Chille Or somother Place “like” that.
Now the Big Quesstoin Is did them Apes spiol Tarzaan? It al Has To do whith Gender Rolls and Neeo-colognialissm and How this hear No good Rottten Patryarckical Soceity it jist Sucks Out looud and It opreses Wimmin and Gays and coses Globbal Warming and Climbit Change!!!! so It “turns out” them apes Thay dint Spiol tarzaan At Alll becose thay Teached him To “be” a Ape insted of a Lowzy man!! And al that Bad stuff In them moveys it was jist put in by Russhans to kepe Us countrey from Havin Equallity!
The Big Lesion of Tarzaann is That hiumans And annamals Thay Are Equel and Thay are Jist Exzackly The same!!! and That “is” Whye wee al has “to Be” Veggans and not eate “no” meet or “eggs” or Hallva (i think She “sayed” Hallvah but It mihgt of Been somthing Else) and cant whare No clothes unless Thay is made Out “of” Resycled Paper!
Itt made “me” feel Kindof gillty for geting Shot ful “of” Moth Hoarmoans thats Suposed to make Me growe Femail Cromosoames But “insted” is jist made Me growe these Hear Moth Antenners and now thay “are” itchin Very Bad so I got to Go!
Here are a couple of my friends at Arthur’s court. They let you take pictures now.
I read somewhere that an author can sell more books if he’s had an interesting life. I have decided that makes sense. Herewith is my enhanced biography, full of stuff you never knew about me.
I was born at an undisclosed location, and it was not until recently that I learned my true origins, which I am not at liberty to disclose. To know that I walked the earth would be a mortal disappointment to a certain powerful government.
I was a Navy Seal when they were still known as Walruses. You could look it up. In 1968 we kidnapped Mao Tse-tung, but the White House made us give him back. This incident made me cynical, so I quit government service and went on to visit countries that are not supposed to exist, but do.
For two years I advised the Steward of Gondor, and if he’d taken my advice, they would’ve all saved themselves a lot of trouble. I have been a vacuum cleaner salesman in Narnia, not one of my more lucrative enterprises, and an estate manager for Lord Greystoke, aka Tarzan of the Apes, in the country just north of Opar–places you won’t find on any map.
I have learned the name of him who comes when you whistle for him, O my lad, and I have visited most of the royal courts mentioned in The Mabinogion. At the court of Arthur, Kay threatened to expose me as a mountebank. Unwilling to change history by damaging Sir Kay, I wandered until I drifted into the country of Obann. There I heard the Bell of King Ozias sound from the summit of Bell Mountain. I return to Obann as often as I can.
I haven’t mentioned any of this stuff in interviews. John Carter says he’ll feed me to the Green Martians if I do.