Tired of everybody hating you because you’re white? Tired of everything you do being chalked up to “white privilege”? And when you self-identify as an Oppressed Minority, nobody believes you?
Well, we’re here to help! For a trifling fee of $2,800, and a few hair and saliva samples, DNA ‘R’ Us will find that Oppressed Minority that’s long been hidden in your family tree. But don’t take our word for it! Senator and likely presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren, whose “You didn’t build that!” quote you’ve probably heard a lot, can vouch for us:
“My career was going nowhere fast, until DNA ‘R’ Us found that Cherokee chief among my ancestors! It just took off from there! No way they’re gonna hold back an Oppressed Minority, when they can score big Diversity Points by hiring me and giving me tenure. My ancestor said ‘How’–but I say ‘And how!'”
Yes, this is your ticket to ride! This is how you shed White Privilege! Acquire instant respect and sympathy from all liberals everywhere, and all sorts of perks and goodies that would have been withheld from you forever if you’d just stayed white. Never find yourself on the short end of any argument again!
A final word from the author of this blog:
“Imagine my delight when DNA ‘R’ Us discovered that my great-great-great-great-great-whatever-grandfather was a Jebusite! Hum, baby, does the world owe me! And just watch me collect!”