First, No ‘Best Friends’ Allowed; Next…

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It started in Europe, but hoity-toity private schools in America are now picking up on the newfangled education theory of not allowing children to have best friends ( Why not? “So that no one feels left out or excluded.” Or so they say.

Blithering Pinhead Academy, one of the first American schools to adopt a no-best-friends policy, has resolved to carry that principle a few steps farther.

“There will never be any freedom until educators and other experts control every aspect of every human life, no matter how trivial,” says BPA headmonster Iza Dorque. “Here at Blithering, we’re always ahead of the curve.

“That’s why we have just adopted a brand-new policy of not allowing any of our students to have a favorite food. From now on, they’ll have to like all foods equally! Failure to do this will be corrected by torture. Repeated failure will land an offender in Sensitivity Training.”

Ms. Dorque explained, “It’s so evil and un-inclusive to have a best friend. It means there are one or two people whom you like better than anyone else! We will not tolerate such intolerance. It suggests that individual persons have unique qualities. Well, how the blazes are you going to have Diversity unless everyone is exactly the same!

“It’s the same with food. If one child likes tofu best, and another child likes quinoa, the one who likes tofu is discriminating against quinoa, and, by extension, against the child who likes quinoa. It is a microaggression!”

In answer to criticisms that Pinhead Academy’s policies are unnatural, anti-human, oppressive, stupid, and cruel, Iza Dorque called for Security and had the critics forcibly removed.

9 comments on “First, No ‘Best Friends’ Allowed; Next…

  1. I know longer have a favorite blog. From now on, I will use a randomizer and participate enthusiastically in whatever blog it sends me to, regardless of their positions on key issues. The high-protein, reduced carb diet which I favor is patently discriminatory towards candy bars and soda pop. It will probably shorten my life, but I’m going to have to eat Snickers bars and drink strawberry soda at least once per day, just to be fair.

    No more close friends. I have one friend with a key to my house. From now on, I’ll have a new friend each and every day and I’ll put a key on a yarn necklace so my best friend of the day can let themselves in. What could possibly go wrong with an iron-clad plan like that?

  2. So what’s the difference between torture and sensitivity training? And come to think of it, why should one be privileged over the other by being assigned to first offense or further offense?

    1. That is exactly what sensitivity training is. It’s a way of breaking moral, using a passive-aggressive approach of claiming to be nice, open-minded and kind, while, all the time, keeping threatening consequences waiting in the wings.

  3. Classic Duigon!
    I saw on “Tucker Carlson” a woman trying to explain the reasoning behind a no best friend policy, and after all her psycho-babble Tucker commented, “Why not forget all that and just teach them reading, writing, and arithmetic?” Her response: She was speechless.

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