An Interview with Western Civilization

[We join this broadcast of Eternity Today in progress.]

HOST: Our guest is Western Civilization, which has just died after a run of–what was it?–at least 3,000 years. Pretty good, eh? [Applause]…

HOST: So tell us, Western Civilization. When you finally crashed and burned… what were you doing?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: [Shuffles feet. Looks at floor. Mumbles incoherently]

HOST: Relax! It’s all over now. Just tell us what you were doing when the crash came.

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: Well… Like… oh, man… We were making up genders–okay? Dozens of new genders! And new sexual lifestyles to go with them!

HOST [Amazed]: You mean, while the Chinese communists were inventing new diseases, like the one that wiped you out, instead of watching them closely and preventing them from doing stuff like that, you guys were… inventing new genders?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: That’s about the size of it, man. Oh! I’m so ashamed! Who ever would’ve thought that it would end like this?

HOST: Uh, a lot of different people thought so, Westy. And warned you. Again and again. But you never listened. You just said it was “religion” and made faces at it, stopped up your ears, and turned away.

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: If only I’d come to my senses in time! If only I’d taken adequate precautions! If only we hadn’t been so greedy for all that Chinese money, that it made us blind to all else! Then we might’ve gotten off with just a damned good scare–just enough to scare us back onto the right track.

HOST: But you were too busy making up new genders.

WESTERN CIVILIZATION: [Breaks down into tears, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Studio audience gives thunderous applause]

HOST: Well, folks, that’s it for Eternity Today today. Tune in to Eternity Today tomorrow for another special guest who wishes it was… yesterday!