This Just In: Long thought to be a 19th century hoax, the Cardiff Giant last night came to life, broke down the museum where he was on display, and made a beeline for the upstate New York town of Hsiao Chiang. There he broke down the doors of the WBSS Radio studio and commandeered the microphone.
Ten feet tall and completely petrified, the Giant proved immune to police bullets, tasers, and tear gas. His efforts to clear his throat destroyed the station manager’s office. But eventually he made himself heard.
“Attention! This is the Cardiff Giant speaking to you! My head is solid stone! I demand that you elect me president. If you don’t, I will destroy you.”
It is not known whether the Giant is available for interviews. He has pledged himself to “chase out of America” any persons who disagree with him about any subject.
The Democrat Party has endorsed him.