G’day! Byron the Quokka here, raising funds for Quokka University. And what better way to rake in the bucks than to offer an all-new set of Acme False Facts? (We thank Acme’s former chief financial officer for signing their agreement with our university. It’s not our fault he didn’t read it first.)
I’ve gone through the set, and I can tell you that our Quokka U. edition is as false as they come! Puts us right up there with the other colleges. Just to give you a taste of it, here are a few of my favorite examples.
*In 1948 astronomer Reginald Swabb discovered three new planets which he named Moe, Larry, and Curly. All three can be seen with the naked eye, but not with a telescope.
*Movies and TV shows featuring actor Kevin Costner cannot be shown legally in Fester County, India.
*The U.S. Supreme Court once had two chief justices named W. Anthony Busterson, neither of whom could speak or write.
*The highly poisonous Jamaican Dust-mop Spider is the most popular pet among the elusive Basketball People of central Italy, whom no one in the provincial government has been able to find lately.
*The custom of reading the minutes of the last public meeting at the current public meeting once resulted in the ossification of four members of the Bazookistan Township Committee; but no one noticed until three meetings farther on.
Remember, if you want people to think you’re incredibly well-informed when you’re not, just puff out your chest, shoulders back, look ’em in the eye, and transfix ’em with a False Fact. That ought to do it.