G’day, g’day! Welcome to another weekend of preconceptual TV viewing, courtesy of Quokka University! Byron the Quokka here. I learned that word “preconceptual” from reading Violet Crepuscular. I wonder what it means.
But first, some samples from our TV menu:
6:13 P.M. Ch. 03 NEWS ROUNDUP WITH DR. FU MANCHU–News
News is so much more entertaining when you know the bad guy who’s presenting it is also plotting to take over the world and usher in a new dark age! (Uh, wait a minute… That sounds like you’re talking about CNN or MSNBC. The Doctor won’t like it!)
6:30 P.M. Ch. 07 SPF STARSHIP “HYPOCHONDRIAC”–Science Fiction
In this unpopular Star Trek spinoff, Dr. McCoy (Chris Chambliss) has died and gone to Hell, where he is sentenced to be chief medical officer aboard a starship whose entire company is constantly afflicted with imaginary illnesses. This week: An epidemic of totally imaginary baldness panics the whole crew into thinking they’re going to die again–looking like Joe Garagiola. Scotty: Mickey Rooney. Spock: John Kerry.
Ch. 08 VIOLET CREPUSCULAR’S KITCHEN–Cooking (for idiots only)
Few people know that the author of Oy, Rodney is also an abject failure as a cook! Pump up your self-esteem by watching Violet make Colgate Toothpaste cupcakes with fish paste filling. With Cotton Mather and his orchestra.
7 P.M. Ch. 22 THE AMOEBA RIDERS–Western/Opera
The only Western filmed through the lens of a microscope! This week, Marshal Pseudopod (Jerry Mathers) has his hands full of cytoplasm when a couple of high-strung hydras (Irene Ryan, Lee Remick) shoot up the Planaria Saloon. Guest stars: the June Taylor Dancers.
7:08 P.M. Ch. 47 PANTS ON FIRE!–Game Show
Join host Jimmy Bacillus as contestants’ pants get set on fire and the celebrity guests have to help them put it out before they’re burned in tender places! But of course the guests are only allowed to give cryptic hints in foreign languages… This week’s celebrity guests: Marcel Marceau, Lassie, Eric the Trappist monk, and Judge Judy.
And there you have it, boys ‘n’ girls! Entertainment for the ages! And the above is only a sample of what you’ll get, if you can find our channel.
(That’s me, hurrying to my family’s TV set–I never miss the news with Dr. Fu Manchu!)