Introducing Chapter CDLXXIV (missing two chapters–what gives?) of her epic romance, Oy, Rodney, Violet Crepuscular writes, “As I introduce Chapter CDLXXIV of my epic romance, Oy, Rodney, I sense snide snickerings among jealous illiterates who think I’ve missed two chapters. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I have merely skipped those chapters because nothing happened in them!”
So, three chapters ago (I think), Lord Jeremy Coldsore hired a private enquiry agent named Donald Duct, who looks and talks like Donald Duck, but isn’t. Furthermore, because Lord Jeremy always likes to go first-class, Mr. Duct is a member of the nobility.
“My ancestor came here on the Mayflower,” he boasts, when he arrives at Coldsore Hall. To avoid attracting undue notice, he is disguised as a wedding cake.
“Don’t you mean he came to America on the Mayflower?” asks Lord Jeremy.
“No, not at all. He came to England on the Mayflower when it sailed back to England. He couldn’t stay in America. He was afraid of Pilgrims. They seemed to be everywhere.”
Unfortunately, somewhere in those two elided chapters is the reason why Lord Jeremy hired a private enquiry agent.
“It’s not something to dilapidate about,” Ms Crepuscular remarks in a footnote on Page 2,443. “All will be revealed in due time.
“Remember what happened to the Indus Valley people!” she adds. “It was precisely this kind of intrusive readership that brought their civilization to an unpronounceable end!”