G’day, g’day, it’s Quokka UTV time! Yours truly, Byron the Quokka, cluing you in–
And by the way, somehow that punk Joe Collidge got more views than I did last week, and we mustn’t let that happen ever again, must we?
Meanwhile, some samples of our weekend offerings.
6:30 P.M. Ch. 08 JET-SKI DERBY –Game show/justifiable homicide
Celebrities on jet-skis! Annoying celebrities on jet-skis! How many of them can our contestants pick off in half an hour? Tired of the noise, tired of the showing-off? Wait’ll the first rap artiste gets his costly toy shot out from under him! Hostage/Host: Paris Hilton. Analysis: Dr. Phil.
Ch. 16 THE AMAZING GRAVITY BALL!!!–Infomercial for blithering idiots
No matter how high you throw it, it’ll come back down! Drop it from anywhere–and the mysterious force of gravity will draw it straight down! Mystify, impress, bamboozle and wow your friends! And best of all, The Science Is Settled! Featuring H.P. Lovecraft and his orchestra.
6:45 P.M. Ch. 11 NEWS WITH HEINIES–Not deserving of description
(Relax, everybody! No one’s going to moon the audience. It’s just that everybody in this newsroom has the nickname “Heinie.”) Anchorman Heinie Huitzlchotl can’t read the cue cards because he needs new glasses and insists he doesn’t. Weather: Gloria “Heinie” Xing. Sports: Warner “Heinie” Perez.
7 P.M. Ch. 62 LEAVE IT TO SCHMENDRICK–Sitcom
Schmendrick (Heinie Ryan [Now cut that out!]) notices his parents (June Lockhart, Alvin the Octopus) have been rather short-tempered ever since the June Taylor Dancers (themselves) rented their tool shed and then took over their house. It’s up to Schmendrick and The Mad Postman (Dwight Frye) to get rid of them–but the Postman doesn’t know whether “them” means the dancers or the parents! Tarzan: Richard Simmons.
7:08 P.M. Ch. 41 MOVIE–For nudists only
In “I Married the Jersey Devil” (Swiss/Filipino, 1976), a hapless farmer (Jackie Chan) sees his daughter (Gracie Allen) marry a misshapen fiend that can fly and terrorize whole counties… and she’s quickly learning bad habits from her husband! Doc Martin: Martin Clunes. Preacher: Bruno Sammartino. Mother Leeds: Sylvia Porter. Song: “I-t’ien Tao Wan” (We have no idea what it means).
Well, that ought to set you up for a super-weekend! And it’ll show Joe Collidge who’s boss. If our TV shows can’t beat his stupid college courses, I just give up.
Byron the Quokka, signing off.