G’day! Byron the Quokka here. Not only do I have to compete with Joe Collidge for viewers; our TV offerings have to go up against “An exotic strip teaser strangled! 9 PM Every Weeknight.” How do they even find five exotic strip teasers to strangle every week? I don’t think we have any here on Rottnest Island.
9 P.M. Ch. 10 CRIMES OF DOUBLE PASSION–Shameless rip-off
(I was outvoted when they decided to broadcast this!) Jimbo the Serial Bad Guy (Buddy Ebsen) insists on playing “Oh, Suzannah” on his harmonica to his victims before he strafes them with his pea shooter. See his crimes grow more extravagant each week! Can his old grade school principal, Miss Krinkle (Moms Mabley), catch him in time to swat him with a ruler?
Ch. 22 LATE-NITE NEWS WITH REJECTED POETS–News & commentary
“Who cares if it’s true, as long as it rhymes?” is anchor Peter Stumpf’s motto. “Weather in the Altogether,” Dolly Chingatchgook. “Sports of All Sorts,” Manos Arriba. “Movie Reviews for People in Pews,” Linda Fling. “Quokkas With Nokkas” [What?], Starvin’ Marvin McGraw.
9:15 PM Ch. 34 MOVIE–Melodrama
In “You’ve Got a Destiny the Salamanders Envy” (French, 1969), a middle-aged public school teacher (Pee Wee Herman) and a middle-aged failed rock star (Heather Locklear) come to terms with their need to come to terms–aided by the June Taylor Dancers. Song: Hold on to Your Coccyx, with Alvin the Octopus. 230 minutes of pure captivation.
9:30 PM Ch. 06 GUNS ABLAZE!–Western/Science-fiction
Pinky Lee stars as Marshal Stevie Blunder, crusading lawman in Peopletown, Arizona. This week: When Silly Sam (wrestler Ivan Koloff) reports man-sized praying mantises heading en masse for the Country Club, no one believes him but Kredulous Kate (Susan Sontag). Blunder finds his work cut out for him when the mantises invade the town and start eating people! Admiral “Where’s My ___ing Boat?” Richards: Louis Jourdan.
10 PM Ch. 56 THE TEMPLE OF DOOM–Game Show
Inspired by the infamous computer game, host Luca Brasi offers fabulous prizes to contestants who survive insanely challenging tests. (Don’t worry! No one actually gets killed.) This week: Studio audience members take on Smitty the Very Hungry and Bad-Tempered Alligator. Winners advance to The Electrified Fence, next week! With former Prime Minister Harold McMillan and his Jug Band.
Well, that ought to keep you in stitches for the weekend! These aren’t my favorite shows, although I always liked the admiral who lost his ship and was looking for it in Arizona. That kind of persistence always pays!
Byron the Quokka, signing off (it’s time to watch TV).
Oh, I definitely want to watch the melodrama. I’ve always wanted to know how to come to terms with a need to come to terms. Now maybe I can finally come to terms with my need to come to terms with a need to come to terms with a need to come to terms … or something.
I can remember that Star Trek episode.
I think I will check out Late Nite News for the rhyming, but I really want to see Guns Ablaze which sounds a lot better than The Walking Dead. Speaking of walking dead people (spiritual ones I mean) King Charles III says he is a descendent of Dracula – sounds about right to me.
As Louis XIV said on his deathbed, “After me, the deluge.” Elizabeth could’ve said that, too.