G’day, folks! Byron the Quokka here–and I missed the Super Bowl because I thought it was the Stupor Bowl and couldn’t find it… Anyway, here’s a sample of this weekend’s stupendous colossal television brought to you by Quokka University.
4:30 P.M. Ch. 08 FLASHING WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON–Reality (?) Show
Can you get in trouble by flashing with your clothes on? Will people shriek and drop packages before they realize that you aren’t showing anything they shouldn’t see? Join host U Thant as the Flasher Crew shakes up a crowded Wal-Mart… and creates a dilemma for police. Special Guest: Thor Heyerdahl.
Ch. 15 EYEWITLESS NEWS–News for simpletons
Anchor Dan Rather doesn’t know he’s on the air, so he sits there making goofy faces and morally questionable gestures. In fact, none of them know they’re on the air, and their natural witlessness takes over. No news value–but wait’ll you see Sam Donaldson get all tangled up in his underwear, trying to dress himself.
4:45 P.M. Ch. 22 GREAT RECIPES USING TOOTHPASTE–Cooking
Violet Crepuscular doesn’t only write suspense: she lives it! Watch the fun as convicts from the State Prison volunteer to taste her latest creations. This week: Asparagus & Toothpaste with Sausages. Special Guest Star: some old guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.
5 P.M. Ch. 31 MOVIE–N.Y. Yankee Baseball/Horror
In “The Vampire of the Right Field Bleacher Seats” (Cuban-Dutch, 2013), Yankees’ star Dave Winfield spoils his own acting debut by playing two characters at once, and neither one of them the role he was cast for. Plot (as we call it): A right field seat in Yankee Stadium becomes a death sentence until Detective Lieutenant Jim Nast (Betty White) can collar the Rogue Vender (Froggy the Gremlin). Song: “I Miss My Coccyx!”
Ch. 55 THE HAIRBALL KID–Sitcom
12-year-old Herbert S. Klein (Abe Vigoda) is a super-hero with a problem: being part cat, every time he gets excited, he tosses up a hairball. Super-villain Ace King (some guy from Baltimore) thinks he can use that in his scheme to take over the world–Can Herbert stop him? Mrs. Nazgul: Paula Prentiss. Chief Swinburne: Bill Harzia. Egyptian Mummy: Not Yet Identified.
I don’t know about you, but boy, howdy, I can’t wait to watch these! I thought I heard them singing “I Miss My Coccyx” in pick-up sticks practice.
Byron the Quokka, signing off.
That old guy who wandered into Ms. Crepuscular’s studio … was he that next-door neighbor of hers who’s always causing trouble?
Mr. Pitfall would never describe himself as old.
Can’t wait to see “EYEWITLESS NEWS–News for simpletons.” Last night we watched ‘Morning Glory’ where Harrison Ford plays an old fired curmudgeon news reporter. His character for so narcissist and anti-social you can imagine Dan Rather being just like that.
A friend of mine used to work for Dan Rather–big fat phony, she said.
“Special Guest Star: some old guy who wandered into the studio and can’t find the way out.” Ha, ha, ha, ha…..